Sunday, May 31, 2015

Sequels That Didn’t Quite Make It

Well the summer popcorn-selling season is upon us once again, and movie viewers across the country will feast on the obligatory smorgasbord of re-hashed, regurgitated swill that we have come to love and anticipate.  As usual, there will be a heaping helping of re-makes and sequels – since they require substantially less creative juices than original plots -  but you want to avoid these stinkers:

* Slightly Perturbed Max
* Indiana Jones and the Temple of Soft Serve Yogurt
* Star Spats
* Let’s Sit Down and Discuss This Like Two Mature Adults Club
* Frozen Vegetables
* The Lord of the Nose-rings
* As Good As It Gets Except For That One Time I Hit Three Cherries on a Five Dollar Play
* Tuesday the Nineteenth
* Rambo: Needlepoint Night at the Senior Citizen Center
* Cement Mixer Time Machine
* The Fantastic Five or Six
* Pink Dawn
* The Muppets Take Molly
* We Bought a Slaughterhouse
* Twilight: Breaking Wind

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Dysfunction Junction

Among the myriad things we live with – often without a second thought – microbes, entropy and endless government waste to name a few, there is also dysfunction. 

Not only do we choose to live with dysfunction, I believe most of us subconsciously decide how much of it we’ll deal with before we’re forced into action.  I call this the ALD, or Acceptable Level of Dysfunction.

A company’s Management team is sweating bullets because of yet another delay in a new product roll-out.  Further investigation determines that Production is waiting on Engineering for the prototype, while Engineering is awaiting the go ahead from Finance, which is pleading for cost-per-unit figures from Sourcing, which is screaming for estimates from Sales, which is…  you get the picture.  Here is an example of an entity which has found their ALD.

But dysfunction is not limited to corporations.  Take Kyle and Kim, a wholly fictitious couple I’ve invented to make a point.  Kyle is an avid golfer, and spends most weekends on the course, weather permitting.  Kim, a “golfer’s widow” resents Kyle spending so much time away, and responds with weekend afternoon shopping sprees, pedicures and lunching at expensive restaurants – spending far more than she can afford in the process.  Kim’s passive-aggressive response to Kyle’s actions – and Kyle’s failure to sense Kim’s displeasure - has helped this couple achieve their ALD.
 
Problems don’t exist in a vacuum, and dysfunction often has many a far-flung root.  Want to eliminate or at least alleviate dysfunction in your life?  Get ready to do some digging.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

What’s So Funny?

It has come to my attention that things I previously thought humorous – hysterically so in some cases – are no longer funny.  It goes without saying that making fun of others who are “different” in some manner should not be considered humorous.  Ditto for “dumb blonde” jokes.  But I was shocked to learn that sarcasm – a personal staple – is no longer funny.  I was informed that some people are actually offended by sarcasm.  Apparently they see themselves as the butt of the joke, even when the object of derision is clearly stated.

Okay, fine.  No more sarcasm.  I guess I’ll have to redefine what is and is not funny, much like I had to scramble to reconfigure my wardrobe when carpenter’s pants went passé.  Towards that end, I have come up with a list of things that are certifiably, undeniably funny:

* Farmers Only dot com commercials
* The audio of the phone call to a radio station from the woman who’d tried in vain to have the local authorities move the “Deer Crossing” signs to more secluded locations
* Kanye West taking himself seriously
* Drunks attempting to complete the simplest of feats; using an ATM, remembering the lyrics to Blurred Lines, or sending a text to their ex that isn’t total gibberish: “heyb dud juno I stiel lubj jue r u awek”
* Every campaign promise ever made
* Cats falling out of window sills and not landing on their feet
* Infomercials
* Blazing Saddles
* The midnight to 1 a.m. Karaoke line-up
* People misusing common phases, a la “for all intense purposes”
* Duckface selfies
* Politicians getting caught breaking the very laws they helped to enact
* Every high school yearbook photo more than 20 years old
* Women digging through their purses looking for their cell phone which is in their back pocket
 
Well that’s all I could come up with for now.  Next week: Things You Should Stop Putting Bacon On.