America the Distracted

Okay, so I was thinking, there’s this… wait, that’s my phone.  Okay, my team’s up two nothing in the first, good.  But anyway, I was- the door.  Who’s at the door?  Oh no, it’s the Lawn Rangers again.  How many times do you have to shout obscenities in Mandarin out the window before they get the message?  I’ll just duck in here until they’re… Dang, my phone again.  Oh, it’s just a video of a Panda playing a banjo.

Where was I?

Here’s the thing: Is it just me, or have we lost like 75% of our attention span?  I mean, you can’t even have a conversation without the other person donning that faraway gaze two minutes in.  My last attempt went something like this:

Me:  Hey, what’s up?

Them:  Nuthin.

Me:  Nothing huh?

Them:  Yep.

Me:  Really? Nothing at all?

Them:  Have you seen that video of that Panda playing a banjo?

I can’t remember the last time I saw anyone focus on anything for more than a few minutes, unless it was binge-watching the latest flavor-of-the-week Netflix release, or immersed in some video game.  Engage in conversation? Pooh-pooh the thought.  Having a barbeque?  Better collect the phones at the door.  Trying to organize a neighborhood clean-up day at the local park?  Good luck with that.  Unless there’s Wi-Fi.

No, we have – through conditioning, apathy, or some combination of the two – pretty much lost our ability to think about one thing for more than fifteen minutes, twenty tops.  Yet we are captivated by the most trivial, inane, and immaterial of shiny objects; it’s like junk food for the brain. 

A series of tornados tears through the Midwest sucking a few hundred people – and a handful of tractors - up into the vortex, but that’s soon forgotten when some reality show chucklehead tearfully reveals she was forced to eat lima beans as a child.  Life-changing events are occurring all around us, often right on our doorstep, but social media is abuzz over a couple of celebrity’s Twitter feud.

Some have suggested that we’re being manipulated into focusing on some things, to distract us from others.  And, they’re probably right - to some degree.  But, we can only ascribe so much blame to others when we are ultimately responsible for the choices we make in where to invest our time, energy, and emotions.

So, that’s it.  In closing, I’d just like to say- WHOA! A METAPOD JUST SPAWNED LIKE 600 YARDS FROM HERE!  Gotta run!

 

Stay focused out there.

How to be That Guy (or Gal)

If you know at least as many people as there are flavors of TCBY yogurt, there’s a good chance you know “that guy” (or gal).  You likely grimace audibly upon their arrival, and sigh in relief as they leave.  But, maybe – just maybe - you’ve wondered what it would be like to take a walk on the wild side and become one of them.  If so, I have some tips which may come in handy:

Don’t ever put your phone down

Whether at the drive-thru at Whammy Burger, or about to give the Best Man speech at your college buddy’s wedding, you make sure that phone is slapped upside your big, goofy head - or your nose is buried in it.  People giving you that irritated look?  Too bad.  Exaggerated throat-clearing from every direction?  Ignore it.  Don’t you put that phone down for anything short of a good tasering.

Get louder with every drink

Out for a few brews with the guys?  Well you grab that volume control and yank it clockwise with every round, until by evening’s end you’re louder than an Orca whale with a toothache slamming head-first into a jetty during mating season.

Know everything about everything

No matter the topic, you’ve been there, done that, and bought the proverbial t-shirt.  Friend having potty-training issues with her youngest?  You look her right in the eye and let her know in no uncertain terms, she’s doing it all wrong.  Co-worker planning a camping trip?  Well you make indubitably sure everyone knows you wrote the book on camping.  From the best insect repellent to the correct way to pitch a tent on a slope, you are The King of Camping.

Be habitually late

Look, no one actually expects you to be on time anyway.  So you show up at 10:47 when you were supposed to be there at 9?  Nothing says “my time is valuable, yours not so much” like being a few minutes late.  Or an hour.  Or two.

Tell the same anecdotes repeatedly

If you’re not absolutely positive everyone within earshot has heard about you rolling your Volkswagen Golf during Spring Break, you relate the experience in excruciating detail, with particular emphasis on the sensation of being inverted, and how you required 16 stitches on your left forearm.  And how you still have the rear-view mirror in a drawer somewhere.  Or maybe it’s in a closet.

Write pompous “how to” articles

Insert slow clap emoticon here.

Five Things I’ll Never Understand About Women

I’ve been around the block a couple or three times.  And, I’ve come to know a lot of women over the years – most platonically.  In observing the gender, I think I’ve pretty much figured them out, save for the following:

The obsession with footwear

To your average man, shoes are just another article of clothing; something we’re forced to replace every few years or so.  But to women, shoes have transcended the role of accessory and attained an almost sacred status in their hearts.  No, shoes are not simply something women slip into so they don’t have to walk around barefoot; they are to be revered.  As much as I have tried to make sense of this phenomenon, I cannot bring myself to comprehend how a woman will experience a metaphysical state of bliss upon stumbling onto a pair of “the sweetest suede clogs you ever saw”.  Which cannot be worn when it’s raining.  And, they were on sale for only $175.

The “Bad Boy” attraction

As a commercial that ran awhile back stated: “People do stupid things”.  And we do; all of us.  But I will never understand why a reasonably intelligent woman will allow a man into her life whom  - based on his track record - she knows in advance will eventually lie to her, cheat on her, run her car into the ditch behind the Quik-E-Mart, then call her at 3:00 am to bail him out of the drunk tank.  And no, if he really loved you he wouldn’t act like a spoiled, irresponsible nine-year-old.  And yes, people can change, they just almost never do.

The size of the purse is directly proportional to the odds of losing something

It goes like this:  She pulls up in front of the bar, or restaurant, or friend’s house.  If the purse is smaller than your average Shih Tzu, she’ll take it with her.  Otherwise she’ll think, “Oh, I’ll just take my keys.  And my phone.  And my charger.  And my sunglasses.  And a tampon – just in case.  And my mascara.  And some breath mints.  And maybe eyeliner.  And a lint roller.  And another tampon – just in case.  And this copy of Luckiest Girl Alive.  And my tweezers.  And this single-pole, double-throw industrial strength lockout switch.”  So, they stumble into wherever they’re going – arms overflowing with this stuff – and the odds of remembering it all upon leaving are about the same as my winning a Pulitzer Prize.

The loftiest adjective they can assign to any object is “cute”

Women will plot, scheme, spend the rent money and even fight one another over something – and I mean anything – they deem is cute.  It could be a portrait frame, a candle holder, ceramic figurines of Danny and Sandy from the movie Grease.  Doesn’t matter.  If it’s cute its worth is incalculable.

The cattiness

I admit I’ve been somewhat envious of some of the guys I’ve known over the years.  The “chiseled Adonis” that I suspected all the women secretly desired; the jock, with their athletic prowess; the “regular Joe” that women all seemed to adore; the “hit me up when you leave the club” type that never had to lift a finger to get women.  But you ladies – you just can’t stand it when you think another woman is a little hotter, or thinner, or more popular than you.  You should know that underneath the make-up and false eyelashes her insecurity is just as real as yours, her fear of rejection just as palpable, her tears just as salty.  If not more so.  So, stop it already.

Well, that’s it.  Next week: How to Sleep Comfortably on a Sofa