Read This Blog or a Kitten Dies

The other day, I accidently saw a TV commercial. I say accidently because I almost always change the channel (or at least mute the sound) when a TV commercial comes on, but this one slipped through the net somehow. Anyway, this particular commercial started out informing me - the intended consumer - about some disease I'd never heard of which affects this or that percent of people in some country I'd never heard of. But - hope abounds - because the company pitching this particular product went on to inform me that they would donate this or that percentage from the sales of this particular product for research to find a cure for this disease, the name of which somehow escaped me. The unmistakable message here: Buy our product or someone will die.

It reminded me of another TV commercial for life insurance which was in "heavy rotation" a few months back. The spokesman for this commercial wanted to talk about a man we'll call Fred, and about how Fred just knew he should buy life insurance; he just knew it. Like a caterpillar knows to become a butterfly, like a man with rheumatoid arthritis knows when it's going to rain, like Tiger Woods knows to lay up short when facing a crosswind into a sloping green protected by bunkers on three sides. But sadly, Fred never bought life insurance. And now he's dead. Dead like Sheboygan, Wisconsin at midnight, like the Susan B. Anthony dollar, like the WNBA. Stone cold, in-the-ground dead. Stupid, irresponsible Fred. His poor widow is probably living in a refrigerator box down by the interstate and rummaging through Walmart dumpsters for food and end-of-season clothing. Dumb, dumb Fred. Don't be like Fred. Buy life insurance. Buy lots and lots of life insurance. Now. Before it's too late.

Among the more annoying TV commercials are the ones which attempt to appeal to me - the intended consumer - in a folksy, we're-all-the-same manner. Like the restaurant chain which implies that once you cross their threshold, you somehow, magically become related by blood to them. Well, I went down there once, and not one of them recognized me. Furthermore, none of them remembered the Christmas that uncle Edgar got drunk and knocked the tree over and threw up in the green bean casserole, or the time cousin Daryl had to go to reform school for doing that thing with the cow. They were certainly not my family. And - the breadsticks were greasy.

But, with the economy so far down the toilet even a pipe snake can't get to it, many companies are resorting to fear tactics to sell their products. Don't get me wrong - they're not coming right out and saying you'll contract some mysterious illness which causes your skin to turn green and fall off in brick-sized chunks if you don't use their moisturizer, but why take chances? They understand how frustrated you are that you've lost 75% of your retirement nest egg, but won't you feel like a total doofus if the stock market does claw itself out of the grave and make a come-back? And you having dumped all your money into Euros and male enhancement products. Stupid, stupid investor. Dumb, dumb consumer.

In related news, The Cash You Could Be Saving With That Unnamed Auto Insurance Company was mugged at a bus stop in San Luis Obispo, California earlier today. Said one witness: "I knew it was going to happen. You can't walk around flashing green like that long before somebody gonna knock you in your head".

Finally, can you say with absolute certainty that you do have enough life insurance?