Extra-wide shopping carts:
I gotta believe some guy was strolling down the frozen foods aisle at his local supermarket when the thought occured to him: "You know, what this country needs is an even WIDER shopping cart. It only took me 17 minutes to navigate that obstacle course. I need more of a challenge."
When the waitress doesn't tell you Happy Hour is over:
I'm sorry, but when a beer goes from $2 to $3.75 in the blink of an eye, that first "full-price" baby should come with a flashing neon light or something.
People who let their kids answer their cell phone:
If I wanted to talk to your kid, I'd have called your kid.
Separate shipping and handling charges:
If I'm buying two of the EXACT SAME item, from the EXACT SAME company that will ship from the EXACT SAME warehouse, I am not going to pay separate shipping and handling. Just throw them in the same box, will ya?
Internet posters with the grammar skills of a third grader:
Your or you're? Their or they're? Whose or who's. Nothing says "I'm an uneducated, blathering idiot" like misusing common four and five letter words. Yeah, I know your spell-checker doesn't catch them. Do a little proofreading, huh?
People that try to sing along with the radio when they don't know the lyrics:
You know who you are.
Getting expired coupons in the mail:
It's bad enough that 87% of the mail goes into the trash unopened, but to get something I could actually use, only to find out it expired a week ago Thursday is maddening.
People who use leaf-blowers to clear grass clippings from the sidewalk:
Grab a broom. Chances are, you could use the exercise.
Celebrity endorsements:
Yeah, I'm sure Tony Stewart hits up the Check-N-Go when he's a little short on cash. And Jaclyn Smith wouldn't walk into a Kmart if you had a twelve-gauge shotgun leveled at her spleen.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Things of Yours I Don't Care to See
I was having dinner the other night. More precisely, I was trying to have dinner the other night. Just as my food arrived, a lady at the next table with a bandage on her knee (hereafter referred to as Bandage Lady) sees someone across the room she apparantly knows.
"Heyyyyyy", Bandage Lady yells," you've got to see this". And sure enough, Bandage Lady gets up, hobbles over to her friend and proceeds to take off her bandage and show her friend her scar. While I'm trying to eat. Having suddenly lost my appetite, all I could think of at that point was - you guessed it - Things of Yours I Don't Care to See:
Your scar
Okay, they ripped open your flesh, took something out (or put something in), or just moved stuff around. Then they sewed you back up with cat gut, or fishing line or whatever they use these days. I'm sorry. But, I really don't want to see it. Especially when I'm trying to eat.
Your bowling trophy
You seen one, you've seen them all.
Your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition collection
I've seen Marissa Miller in a bikini. Everyone over the age of seven has seen Marissa Miller in a bikini.
Yet another photo of your cat
Yes, I know you really like your cat. But - you have far too many photos of him.
That indistinguishable green thing you just pulled from between your teeth
No, I don't know what it is. Lettuce? Spinich? I give up. What did you have for lunch?
Your high school yearbook photo
You look like a total dork in your high school yearbook photo. Everyone does.
Your fantasy football roster
So you got Phillip Rivers and Adrian Peterson? Impressive.
That half a buffalo chicken wrap you found in your desk drawer
Got two words for you: air freshener.
Your horoscope
The thing that just slays me about people who read their horoscopes religiously is that they all claim they "don't really believe in that stuff".
Your tatoo
That's the third lower back tribal I've seen this week.
That corn flakes box with your favorite athlete on it
Yep, that's him.
Your child's report card
Got a "needs improvement" on Following Directions, huh?
That thing you can do with your toes
I'm sorry, but toes were simply not meant to bend that way.
Your wedding video
I'm sure it was beautiful beyond words.
"Heyyyyyy", Bandage Lady yells," you've got to see this". And sure enough, Bandage Lady gets up, hobbles over to her friend and proceeds to take off her bandage and show her friend her scar. While I'm trying to eat. Having suddenly lost my appetite, all I could think of at that point was - you guessed it - Things of Yours I Don't Care to See:
Your scar
Okay, they ripped open your flesh, took something out (or put something in), or just moved stuff around. Then they sewed you back up with cat gut, or fishing line or whatever they use these days. I'm sorry. But, I really don't want to see it. Especially when I'm trying to eat.
Your bowling trophy
You seen one, you've seen them all.
Your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition collection
I've seen Marissa Miller in a bikini. Everyone over the age of seven has seen Marissa Miller in a bikini.
Yet another photo of your cat
Yes, I know you really like your cat. But - you have far too many photos of him.
That indistinguishable green thing you just pulled from between your teeth
No, I don't know what it is. Lettuce? Spinich? I give up. What did you have for lunch?
Your high school yearbook photo
You look like a total dork in your high school yearbook photo. Everyone does.
Your fantasy football roster
So you got Phillip Rivers and Adrian Peterson? Impressive.
That half a buffalo chicken wrap you found in your desk drawer
Got two words for you: air freshener.
Your horoscope
The thing that just slays me about people who read their horoscopes religiously is that they all claim they "don't really believe in that stuff".
Your tatoo
That's the third lower back tribal I've seen this week.
That corn flakes box with your favorite athlete on it
Yep, that's him.
Your child's report card
Got a "needs improvement" on Following Directions, huh?
That thing you can do with your toes
I'm sorry, but toes were simply not meant to bend that way.
Your wedding video
I'm sure it was beautiful beyond words.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Dumbing Down the House
My coffee maker died the other day. It had been making these peculiar spitting and hissing noises for awhile, but the other morning it erupted in a geyser of steam and coffee grounds which spewed out of the top like Old Faithful while making a sound which was a cross between a supersonic jet throwing it's thrusters in reverse, and a gazelle being taken to the ground by a 600 pound lion. Then, it's poor LEDs slowly faded and that was that. So, I set out to purchase a new one. Knowing next to nothing about coffee makers, I did what most people in this situation do; I purchased the one with the glossiest photo on the box. Which turned out to the the Itchy-Scratchy model 3500 XLE Super Turbo Charged Coffee Processing and Brewing Station. And - it was on sale. For only $129.95. Had I taken a few minutes to check the consumer reviews for this model, I would have known that it got one-eighth of a star (out of five) in the "ease of use" category. But, no, I had to have my coffee.
This thing has a "bean processor" mode. You pour coffee beans into the top and a little mechical arm skewers each bean lengthwise, and holds it up to a little window so you can see three tiny micro-drills lower from each side and the back and slowly pulverize the bean into "fine", "extra-fine", or "microscopic" coffee. It has an "audio alert" feature which plays one of nine different tunes when your coffee is done; from On Top of Old Smokey to Baby Got Back. My first clue that I'd made an unwise purchase was when I attempted to set the clock. It had four options: standard time, military time, Greenwich Mean Time, or Swatch Beats. And the program mode. According to the manual, in order to set the Coffee Processing and Brewing Station to brew a pot of coffee at some point in the future, you had to "press and hold the PROGRAM button, while quickly tapping the PRESET button and gently pushing the MODE slider to the right". I thought I had successfully set this thing to brew a pot of coffee at seven am, but it's been three days, and so far - nothing. I take that back - it did play Stayin' Alive at some point yesterday afternoon.
These new household appliances have just gotten too complicated. Take my stereo for example. It has an "auto-pre-scan-select" mode, which will - allegedly - scan for all the radio stations the unit is able to receive and number them one to 65,536. I didn't think there were 65,636 radio stations in the entire world. But, in order to use the "auto-pre-scan-select" mode, one has to press and hold eleven buttons for a minimum of 3.8 seconds. So, whenever our power goes out, we have to have the neighbors come over and help us get it re-programmed.
And remotes. Don't get me started on the remotes. At last count, we had 23, of which some don't seem to work with anything in the house. One for example, has the inscription "Goldofenwicz" across the bottom. It has a whopping 93 buttons on it, some of which are labeled "comp", "sinewave", "sawtooth", "sync" and "N-SYNC".
Even our floor-standing, oscillating fan has a remote control, with which one can turn it on and off, select the speed, and direction, and toggle the oscillation on or off. Oh, it also has a sleep timer. A fan. With a remote control. To be precise, I should say I used to have such a fan. But, in one of those moments that only appear incredibly stupid upon reflection, I wanted to see what would happen if I pressed and held all the buttons at the same time. All I can say is: don't do it. This one took flight, flew around the room for a minute or so, (buzzing the bed twice in the process), began gyrating wildly like a helicopter with a broken anti-torque rotor, then slammed into the wall.
So if, like me, you actually believed that one day you'd live in a "home of the future" with all those one-touch, set-it-and-forget-it appliances like in the Jetsons, all I can tell you is I'm still waiting. In the meantime, I think I'll run down to the Quik-E-Mart. For a cup of coffee.
This thing has a "bean processor" mode. You pour coffee beans into the top and a little mechical arm skewers each bean lengthwise, and holds it up to a little window so you can see three tiny micro-drills lower from each side and the back and slowly pulverize the bean into "fine", "extra-fine", or "microscopic" coffee. It has an "audio alert" feature which plays one of nine different tunes when your coffee is done; from On Top of Old Smokey to Baby Got Back. My first clue that I'd made an unwise purchase was when I attempted to set the clock. It had four options: standard time, military time, Greenwich Mean Time, or Swatch Beats. And the program mode. According to the manual, in order to set the Coffee Processing and Brewing Station to brew a pot of coffee at some point in the future, you had to "press and hold the PROGRAM button, while quickly tapping the PRESET button and gently pushing the MODE slider to the right". I thought I had successfully set this thing to brew a pot of coffee at seven am, but it's been three days, and so far - nothing. I take that back - it did play Stayin' Alive at some point yesterday afternoon.
These new household appliances have just gotten too complicated. Take my stereo for example. It has an "auto-pre-scan-select" mode, which will - allegedly - scan for all the radio stations the unit is able to receive and number them one to 65,536. I didn't think there were 65,636 radio stations in the entire world. But, in order to use the "auto-pre-scan-select" mode, one has to press and hold eleven buttons for a minimum of 3.8 seconds. So, whenever our power goes out, we have to have the neighbors come over and help us get it re-programmed.
And remotes. Don't get me started on the remotes. At last count, we had 23, of which some don't seem to work with anything in the house. One for example, has the inscription "Goldofenwicz" across the bottom. It has a whopping 93 buttons on it, some of which are labeled "comp", "sinewave", "sawtooth", "sync" and "N-SYNC".
Even our floor-standing, oscillating fan has a remote control, with which one can turn it on and off, select the speed, and direction, and toggle the oscillation on or off. Oh, it also has a sleep timer. A fan. With a remote control. To be precise, I should say I used to have such a fan. But, in one of those moments that only appear incredibly stupid upon reflection, I wanted to see what would happen if I pressed and held all the buttons at the same time. All I can say is: don't do it. This one took flight, flew around the room for a minute or so, (buzzing the bed twice in the process), began gyrating wildly like a helicopter with a broken anti-torque rotor, then slammed into the wall.
So if, like me, you actually believed that one day you'd live in a "home of the future" with all those one-touch, set-it-and-forget-it appliances like in the Jetsons, all I can tell you is I'm still waiting. In the meantime, I think I'll run down to the Quik-E-Mart. For a cup of coffee.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Phrases That Have No Meaning
You ever hear someone utter a phrase and wonder: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Then you'll hear someone else utter the same phrase, and it dawns on you: This is another one of those things that have become popular, but has no meaning whatsoever. Like Samantha Ronson's blog, or the latest fad diet, or the "Who's Searching For You?" ads. I don't know about you, but every time I hear someone say something that has no meaning I want to come back with something like "gummy bear tent stake", or "eye-twitch loofa", just to see if it'll catch on. So far, no luck. But, following are several phrases I say we just retire until someone figures out what exactly they're supposed to mean:
You need to own that
Popularized during the spate of so-called reality TV shows that have become the scourge of American "culture" over the past few years, this particular nonsensical phrase was likely first uttered during a competition of some kind; cooking or runway modeling, or elbow macaroni art. Likely as not, one of the "judges" from this particular competition didn't feel that the contestant used enough glitter paint on their elbow macaroni sailboat. Had they used the correct amount of glitter paint, they would, in the judge's eyes, have come to "own" the art of creating an elbow macaroni sailboat, or so one assumes.
"This" is the new "that"
As in, pink is the new black, sixty is the new forty, vodka is the new champagne. Well, I have a news flash for you: Pink is pink and black is black; sixty is sixty and forty is forty; vodka is vodka and champagne is champagne. Deal with it.
Old school
Purportedly means something that was done differently at some point in the past. Okay, I get that part. But, why old school? Why not old street corner, old shopping mall, Old Yeller? It just makes no sense.
Back in the day
Back in what day? Yesterday was a day. And so was Thursday before last, and so was November 23rd, 1973. Exactly what day does this absurd phrase refer to?
No-brainer
Supposedly meaning something that is so simple even a person without a brain could figure it out. And, this phrase would almost make sense, except that the opposite of a no-brainer would have to be a brainer, which I assume means something that requires a person with a brain to figure out... You see where I'm going with this?
Save the date
Quick! Somebody, save the date! The date is in trouble! Oh, won't somebody please help that poor date?
My bad
Your bad what? Your bad grammar? Your bad teeth? Your bad choice of words?
Value-added
Supposedly, if I am in the business of selling, let's say, popsicle-stick birdhouses, and before I package these birdhouses for shipment I hold each one up to my ear and listen for a few seconds as if it were a conch and I could hear the chirping of tiny, yet-unborn sparrows, I have added value to the product. Supposedly. In reality, I have done nothing but waste time. That's the best analogy for this shop-worn cliche I could come up with. Value-added is a phrase the business community has invented to justify charging more for a product or service. In reality, it should be called cost-added, but the marketing department shot that one down.
Comfort foods
Ask ten people the definition of comfort food, and you'll get ten different answers. Why? That's right - the term has no meaning! Your comfort food is whatever you like. Personally, I think comfort food should mean the most comfortable food to sleep on, if for whatever reason you didn't have a bed. In that case, I'd have to go with Twinkies.
Your call is very important to us
This, of course, is what you hear when you've been on hold for 47 mintues trying to get through to a "customer service" person. The sad fact is, your call is not at all important to these "customer service" people, as they wish more than anything that you would just hurry up and have a massive coronary and die.
You need to own that
Popularized during the spate of so-called reality TV shows that have become the scourge of American "culture" over the past few years, this particular nonsensical phrase was likely first uttered during a competition of some kind; cooking or runway modeling, or elbow macaroni art. Likely as not, one of the "judges" from this particular competition didn't feel that the contestant used enough glitter paint on their elbow macaroni sailboat. Had they used the correct amount of glitter paint, they would, in the judge's eyes, have come to "own" the art of creating an elbow macaroni sailboat, or so one assumes.
"This" is the new "that"
As in, pink is the new black, sixty is the new forty, vodka is the new champagne. Well, I have a news flash for you: Pink is pink and black is black; sixty is sixty and forty is forty; vodka is vodka and champagne is champagne. Deal with it.
Old school
Purportedly means something that was done differently at some point in the past. Okay, I get that part. But, why old school? Why not old street corner, old shopping mall, Old Yeller? It just makes no sense.
Back in the day
Back in what day? Yesterday was a day. And so was Thursday before last, and so was November 23rd, 1973. Exactly what day does this absurd phrase refer to?
No-brainer
Supposedly meaning something that is so simple even a person without a brain could figure it out. And, this phrase would almost make sense, except that the opposite of a no-brainer would have to be a brainer, which I assume means something that requires a person with a brain to figure out... You see where I'm going with this?
Save the date
Quick! Somebody, save the date! The date is in trouble! Oh, won't somebody please help that poor date?
My bad
Your bad what? Your bad grammar? Your bad teeth? Your bad choice of words?
Value-added
Supposedly, if I am in the business of selling, let's say, popsicle-stick birdhouses, and before I package these birdhouses for shipment I hold each one up to my ear and listen for a few seconds as if it were a conch and I could hear the chirping of tiny, yet-unborn sparrows, I have added value to the product. Supposedly. In reality, I have done nothing but waste time. That's the best analogy for this shop-worn cliche I could come up with. Value-added is a phrase the business community has invented to justify charging more for a product or service. In reality, it should be called cost-added, but the marketing department shot that one down.
Comfort foods
Ask ten people the definition of comfort food, and you'll get ten different answers. Why? That's right - the term has no meaning! Your comfort food is whatever you like. Personally, I think comfort food should mean the most comfortable food to sleep on, if for whatever reason you didn't have a bed. In that case, I'd have to go with Twinkies.
Your call is very important to us
This, of course, is what you hear when you've been on hold for 47 mintues trying to get through to a "customer service" person. The sad fact is, your call is not at all important to these "customer service" people, as they wish more than anything that you would just hurry up and have a massive coronary and die.
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