The New Middle Class

In today’s “good news, bad news” category, it appears the American middle class is going the way of the Oldsmobile.

(It’s a car. And, they don’t make them anymore.)

A government “think tank” recently concluded that if the recession lasts another five years, the middle class as we know it could disappear. They then concluded that they had come to a conclusion, and adjourned to dine at a grossly overpriced Georgetown restaurant, where they ran up a whopping $79,400 lunch tab. During which, the thought occurred to some of them that most of these people - whose fates the bureaucrats had stopped pretending to care about somewhere between the martinis and the smoked salmon appetizers - voted.

So, the think-tankers had to come up with a better solution. Which they did. They decided they could - and this was sheer genius on their part - they could simply create a new middle class to replace the one that’s about to melt away to nothingness like ice cream on a hot sidewalk.

Isn’t that good news! A second chance at middle class, I think they’re going to call it. And, I’ve made it easy for you to determine if you’re already a member of the New Middle Class:

Old: You have a late model SUV in the driveway
New: You live in a late model SUV

Old: You often attend fund-raisers for the less fortunate
New: You are the less fortunate

Old: You dine at five star restaurants on special occasions
New: You occasionally panhandle at five star restaurants

Old: You put big tag items on your credit card
New: You can’t remember the last time you saw a credit card

Old: You’re disappointed when your child’s soccer game is rained out
New: You strip down to your underwear, soap up, and take an open-air shower on the soccer field

Old: You’re thinking about adding a Florida room to your house
New: You’re thinking about adding an orange crate to the “Cardboard Condo”

Old: You’re climbing the corporate ladder
New: You’re climbing a ladder someone left against the side of their house to see what’s in the upstairs bedrooms

Old: You get your clothes at upscale mall clothing stores
New: You get your clothes at the Soap N’ Suds when the person goes to get more quarters

Old: You can’t decide between large-cap international or exchange-traded mutual funds
New: You can’t decide between a day old loaf of bread or a couple cans of Vienna sausages

There, wasn’t that easy! So, the next time someone asks you if you’re middle class, you can pull your tattered, flea infested coat tightly around you, push your matted, greasy hair back, look at them through glassy, bloodshot eyes and say, “Yes, I am the new American middle class. Spare a couple bucks?”