Things Men Won’t Say

Well, it appears the truce in the Battle of the Sexes is holding and everyone is trying to get along and be sensitive to each other’s needs and so on. And, I think that’s great.

But - we will never, I repeat never - be “like your girlfriends.”

Men will always be men, and woman will always be women.  We’re “wired” differently, or so it’s said. We have a different chemical make-up. Whereas the female of the species is chock full of estrogen, potassium, and that one chemical that makes their feet cold enough to shatter tungsten steel, men tend to lean towards chlorine, zinc, and trace amounts of nitro glycerin.

In other words - it’s not our fault that we can never be like your girlfriends. We have highly unstable chemicals coursing through our veins.

So - for the love of everything good and decent - please stop trying to make us like you. Seriously, how boring and inexplicably weird would it be if there were no discernable differences between us? No Yin to go with the Yang, if you get my drift.

And so it is that now - in the spirit of mutual understanding and continued harmony - I bring you Things Men Won’t Say. Ever:

“Honey, I just peeked into your closet and you don’t have nearly enough shoes.”
“Sure, you can go bar-hopping with your alcoholic, nymphomaniac girlfriends. Stay out as late as you like.”
“Darn, there’s nothing but sports on TV. Where’s the Sex and the City boxed set?”
“Why don’t we ever talk about the relationship anymore?”
“Oh, look! There’s a sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Grab your purse!”
“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: violent sports are a clear manifestation of a pseudo-ambiguous sexual urge coupled with a repressed oedipal conflict.”
“How about we just stay in and give each other pedicures tonight?”
“I get that from my Mother.”
“If one more person asks what’s up with me today, I am just going to scream.”
“Sex, sex, sex. Can’t we just cuddle every now and then?”

One more thing, ladies. We know when you throw out our ratty old t-shirts. We take out the garbage.