Obama Challenges Kim Jong-il to Game of One-on-One Basketball

Washington, D.C. Citing a need to “calm tensions” and bring an end to the enmity between the two nations, President Obama today challenged North Korea’s reclusive leader to a game of “make it, take it, half-court, in-your-face roundball” as a way to settle their differences.

“Many of you are too young to remember”, the President said, resplendent in a Chicago Bulls “home” jersey, “but the U.S. and China achieved great strides using what was termed ping-pong diplomacy in the 1970‘s. My sincere hope is that we can repeat that success with North Korea - from the three-point line.”

While political pundits have questioned the fairness of such a competition, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reminded the media that the Stalinist dictator is something of a basketball buff himself, who often watches NBA action. “We would have preferred to sit down and discuss the many issues which impact our nations in a calm, rational manner”, Gibbs continued, “but the fact is, this guy is straight-up loopy”.

While there is no reliable data on the exact height of the militaristic Jong-il - who is never seen in public wearing less than two inch heels - estimates range from 5’ 4” to 5’ 7’’. At 6’1”, President Obama would have a considerable advantage.

“He should have thought of that before he lobbed all those shells onto that (South Korean) island”, the President and Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful military in the world said, crossing his arms and “posing” defiantly. “Any neutral court, anywhere in the world. Well, except maybe Afghanistan”.

“Not that it will make any difference (where the competition is held)” Obama continued, his arms outstretched and shaking his head, his handlers gingerly urging him away from the microphone, “that nut-job will be picking basketball out of his teeth for weeks. What I mean, I’m gonna school his [unintelligible]”.

While there has been no direct response to the challenge, the North’s official propaganda outlet KCNA today did accuse “the war-mongering imperialist empire” of mining Haeju harbor, plotting the violent overthrow of the DPRK, and rigging the Celtics - Sixers game, costing the diminutive despot $200.