New York, NY - In
an unprecedented move, CNN has projected President Obama to be the winner of
the 2012 presidential election, without a single vote having been counted.
“I knew we were
going to win”, a smiling Amy Oosterhaus of Duluth, Minnesota said. “I knew it.
And, since CNN has already projected him to win, it means I don’t have
to bother going to vote.”
”It’s supposed to be cold and rainy that day”, she added.
When asked how the news agency could project a winner in a
race this close when polling places haven’t even opened, a CNN official who
requested anonymity responded thusly: “It’s easy. We’ve looked at pre-polling in four or five
counties and districts in toss-up states and through the use of special
algorithms, determined Obama will shade Romney enough to pull out the victory.”
"It’s not that difficult”, the source continued, “in
fifteen minutes I could tell you the brand of toothpaste you use, the number of
sport coats in your closet, and the last time you ordered a pizza online.”
“Americans are pretty predictable”, he concluded.
A Romney campaign spokesman laughed off the prediction,
stating Fox News projected Romney the winner Wednesday before last, then – in an
obvious bet-hedging move - preemptively alleged vote rigging in Ohio,
Pennsylvania, and Virginia.
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