Peace on Earth and Visions of Sugarplums

Tis the season.  For decking of halls and merry gentlemen resting, and riding horse-drawn sleighs over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house.  And, peace on earth and goodwill towards men.  We send glittery, brightly colored greeting cards to our loved ones adorned with these platitudes, and think, “It’s a pretty card”, and not ”What a joke.  Peace?  Seriously?”

When the first primitive man discovered he could take up a club or stone and use it to intimidate or bludgeon his neighbor into getting his way, the art of violence was created.  And Man can no more unlearn this art than he can unlearn any of our other more primal instincts.  Peace on earth?  As noble a longing as it be, it is more likely that we all wake up on Christmas morning and find that we’re all just  living in some cosmic snow globe for some deity’s amusement.

The reader will be forgiven for thinking me cynical.

In 1955 Jill Jackson Miller and Sy Miller penned a song called “Let There Be Peace on Earth” which was later popularized by Vince Gill.  The song’s lyrics - let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me – are striking in both the simplicity and the plaintive entreaty; that an outbreak of peace must begin with he who implores it.

So, in the immortal words of Steve Martin in his now famous SNL parody “If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season” it would be that there would one day truly be peace on earth.  And that it would begin with me.

And you.

NFL Rejects Giant’s Request for “Do-overs”

Police were called to the home of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell after a visibly disheveled and unshaven Tom Coughlin was reportedly discovered beating on the commissioner’s door at 4:30 am waving a copy of the NFL rulebook to which he had appended approximately seven pages of hand-written “rules”.  Among them was the stipulation that any team which “had failed to win a game going into the seventh week of regular season - which was limited to past Super Bowl champions in major markets - and whose starting Quarterback had become a bungling dunderhead apparently unable to distinguish the players wearing his team’s uniforms from the opponent’s” should be allowed a do-over.  The desperate manifesto further proclaimed that in such an event, all teams records would be reset to 0-0, and the season shortened thusly.

Goodell was forced to call the police after Coughlin repeatedly refused to leave the premises, and even after Goodell pointed out that the added rules were obviously counterfeit, containing several misspellings and a reference to Dallas Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones as a “cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater”.

Coughlin was bailed out by team back-up Quarterback Curtis Painter, who reported he’d been awake anyway, studying the Giant’s playbook in the hopes Coughlin would start him in Manning’s place against the Raiders.

In related news, sources were unable to confirm Pittsburgh Steeler’s owner Dan Rooney was hiding among some shrubs in Goodell’s front yard eagerly anticipating Goodell’s decision.

More Phrases That Have No Meaning

I know, right?

This simple three word oxymoron is both a declarative statement AND a question rolled into one stupid little quip.

Game-changer

It’s a fly ball to deep center field!  He’s back, back, back, and – it’s intercepted by the goalie at the free-throw line!

Buy one, get one free

No, you don’t get anything free.  You get two for half price.

I feel your pain

No, you don’t.  But – that can be arranged.

Employee engagement

Your employees provide a service, for which they’re monetarily compensated.  They’re no more “engaged” with you than they are their dentist or some neighborhood kid selling magazine subscriptions.

Ah-ha Moment

No one ever says “ah-ha” during a moment of enlightenment.  I vote we go back to calling it a light-bulb-over-the-head moment. 

To tell you the truth

What, you’re been lying to me up until now?

40% off

Off what?  An inflated retail price that no one ever pays?

I like you as a person

Oh, that’s great.  I was starting to think you only liked me as some amorphous blob of flesh, bones and plasma.

Everything happens for a reason

Yes, we know.  It’s called cause and effect, and someone first noticed the relationship between the two centuries ago.

Franchises That Didn’t Make It

Are you still looking for a job?  Or, just really fed up with the one you have?  Do you dream of marching into the boss’ office and telling him to stick his crummy job in his ear?  Well, you’re in luck, because I have your solution: Franchising.

Franchising is easy.  Simply decide what type of business you want to own, get a second mortgage, cash out your 401K, and beg, borrow and steal every dime you can.  Oh, and get used to eating out of dumpsters for a while, because the average franchise doesn’t even begin to break even until the second or third year. 

But, make sure you do your homework, or you could end up stuck with one of these epic franchise faceplants:

* Broccoli on a Stick

* The OOPS Store
* Pay Somewhat Less Shoes
* Jiffy Lube and Enema
* Stoner Dudes Lawn Care Service
* Seattle’s Third or Fourth Best Coffee
* Kentucky Fried Groundhog
* Little Tykes Shooting Range
* Best Buy, Relatively Speaking
* Cockroach Barrel
* Bed, Bath and Dungeon
* Screw Nutrition Weight Loss Centers
* Not So Super Cuts
* Mistress Angelica’s Child Care
* Bermuda Triangle Cruise Lines
* Snake n’ Shake

The Point System

I’m going out on a limb here and assuming everyone has heard of the three stages of marriage.  Modesty prevents me from disclosing them in detail, but in stage one, the newlyweds “get busy” all over the house.  In stage two, they only get busy in the bedroom, and in stage three they utter an expletive involving carnal knowledge to each other as they pass in the hallway.

 

Personally, I don’t think a marriage should be doomed to regress in this manner, so I set out to determine exactly what precedes this degeneration. And what I found out is this: Just about any and everything.

That’s right.  That woman you reckoned an angel from above when you first met has since sprouted horns and now conjures the scent of brimstone when she enters the room.  Your knight in shining armor has morphed into a cross between that one stock boy at the Sav-a-Lot that leers at you while you pick through the zucchini, and Gary Busey.

So, if you’re married and want to keep the flames burning, my advice to the ladies is simple.  Men want three things: Food, sports, and “getting busy”.

My advice to the men is a little more complicated.  If you want that third requirement, you must understand the point system.  Here’s how it works: When you awake in the morning (or afternoon, whatever the case) you get 100 points.  If you make it thru the day and retain even a single point as evening arrives, you will likely get some “busyness”.  But alas, there’s a catch.  And that is: just about everything that’s in a man’s nature to do will cost him points.  Yep, just about everything.

Fortunately, there are a handful of things that will actually accrue more points.  Flowers, for example will get you 25 points or so, more if it’s not a special occasion.  Those “just because” flowers will typically fetch 35 to 50.  An hour of housework (without being asked) will add at least 15 points to your coffers, and an act as simple as asking how her day was will ring up another few.

But, most everything you do will cause your stack to dwindle.  Through the use of complex algorithms, I’ve determined the most common point killers.  You should probably take notes.

Forgetting birthday or anniversary – minus 250 points
Forgetting her name - minus 1000 points
Calling her by your ex-girlfriend’s name - minus 5000 points
Taking her to the monster truck show and shot-gunning a six pack in the parking lot – minus 75 points
Getting caught looking at another woman – minus 100 points
Getting caught thinking about looking at another woman – minus 10 points
Leaving your dirty underwear hanging on the bathroom doorknob – minus 25 points
Asking her if she’s gained weight – minus 100 points
Asking her if her girlfriend has lost weight – minus 500 points
Asking her if her girlfriend has had a “boob job” – minus 1500 points
Asking her if her girlfriend has ever mentioned having a ménage à trois – minus 10,000 points
Tapping foot waiting for her to get ready – minus 1 point per tap
Blowing off the neighborhood barbeque to play golf – minus 50 points
Blowing off her promotion party to play golf – minus 250 points
Blowing off the birth of your first child to play golf – minus 1,000,000 points
Playing golf - minus 20 points per hour
Making snide comments, yawning, and sarcastically aping the dialog in her chick flick - minus 15 points
Downloading photos of Kate Upton to your phone – minus 10 points per photo
Getting drunk at her high school reunion and throwing up in the tri-color rotini – minus 500 points
Referring to her Mother as “that wine-swilling, Xanax popping witch” – minus 666 points
Cleaning out saving account to invest in that topless car wash your cousin is starting – minus 25,000 points
Slapping her on the behind and pointing to your watch – loss of all points accrued that day

So, my advice guys is to buy a calculator, and keep it handy.

Five Ways to Tell if Your Cat is Cheating on You

If you surf that internet thing at all, you’ve no doubt been subjected to a bazillion articles on how to know if something is happening.  I keep waiting for 10 signs to know if I’m dead or not, or some guide to help me determine if my choice of soft drink bespeaks a deeper dimension of my personality.  Then, there’s the occasional article that really hits home for some of us, like how to determine if your cat – on whom you’ve bestowed immeasurable love and affection – is seeing another human behind your back. 

I know what you’re thinking: My cat would never cheat on me.  Well, take it from someone who knows – not only is your cat capable of cheating on you, he probably already has.  If you don’t feel you can handle the truth, then read no further, for once you’ve identified more than one of the following, there’s just no going back:

5. Slinks in at daybreak smelling of Axe body wash, and you only use Old Spice

4. Gets alerts on his phone from FelineHookup.com                                           

3. You detect Fancy Feast on his breath but he only gets Eukanuba on special occasions

2. Has taken up Zumba

And the #1 way to know if your cat is cheating on you:

1. Changed Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

Out-going Pope Presented With Cheap Gold Watch

Vatican City – In a stately, ornate ceremony befitting an occasion of this import, outgoing Pope Benedict XVI was presented with a gold watch, to his utter embarrassment, if not revulsion.

Bereft of any ornamentation or inscription, not of Swiss origin, and bearing the ignominious imprint “18 ct”, the timepiece oozed tackiness and elicited hushed scorn from the on-lookers.

His soon-to-be-ex Holiness regarded the gift as he might a slug which had crawled upon his shoe, rolling it over from side to side, opening and closing it, before tossing it on the table.  “Maybe they order from Amazon?” he said, his lips curled in disdain.

“It’s a good thing I invest heavily in Microsoft in the Year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-six”, he continued, with a slight smile, “my accountant say my portfolio is – how you say – high six figure?”

“I like that”, he continued, nodding.

Sources close to the soon-to-be prior pontiff could not confirm reports his not-for-long Holiness had booked a Mediterranean cruise, where he’s signed up for scuba diving and rock wall climbing.