Police were called to the home of NFL Commissioner Roger
Goodell after a visibly disheveled and unshaven Tom Coughlin was reportedly discovered
beating on the commissioner’s door at 4:30 am waving a copy of the NFL rulebook
to which he had appended approximately seven pages of hand-written “rules”. Among them was the stipulation that any team
which “had failed to win a game going into the seventh week of regular season -
which was limited to past Super Bowl champions in major markets - and whose
starting Quarterback had become a bungling dunderhead apparently unable to distinguish
the players wearing his team’s uniforms from the opponent’s” should be allowed
a do-over. The desperate manifesto further
proclaimed that in such an event, all teams records would be reset to 0-0, and
the season shortened thusly.
Goodell was forced to call the police after Coughlin
repeatedly refused to leave the premises, and even after Goodell pointed out
that the added rules were obviously counterfeit, containing several misspellings
and a reference to Dallas Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones as a “cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater”.
Coughlin was bailed out by team back-up Quarterback
Curtis Painter, who reported he’d been awake anyway, studying the Giant’s playbook
in the hopes Coughlin would start him in Manning’s place against the Raiders.
In related news, sources were unable to confirm
Pittsburgh Steeler’s owner Dan Rooney was hiding among some shrubs in Goodell’s
front yard eagerly anticipating Goodell’s decision.
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