Woman Wielding Lint Roller Like a Chainsaw

Gastonia, NC - With all the fervor and gusto she could conjure, local woman Belinda Wirtz frantically assaulted the sleeves of her yuletide sweater with a lint roller, its cylinder spinning at lightening speed as she approached her company Christmas dinner.



“It’s the material”, she sighed as she set about attacking her midriff like a burly lumberjack carving into a ponderosa pine.  “Every single speck of dust in the house just clings to it.” 



“And the dog hair”, she continued exasperated, “Toby has been shedding like there’s no tomorrow” she said, referring to her four-year-old Chow \ Pomeranian mix.  “It’s everywhere”.



After another cycle of running the adhesive implement up and down her pant legs, she huffed and steadied herself, murmuring something about having everything dry cleaned the next time.  “That’s the best I can do at this point”, she mouthed dejectedly, her voice permeated with resignation as she searched for any additional microscopic specks of foreign material before entering the banquet hall.



At press time Wirtz reportedly slipped the magical dust wand to her husband Walt and asked him to “get the shoulders one last time”.

Eli Manning Listed as ‘Confused’ for Sunday’s Game

East Rutherford NY – For the first time in NFL history, a player has been slated as questionable for : “Confusion”.



“I knew it was coming”, reported starting center Jon Halapio. “Last week we were breaking huddle and he asks me the snap count.  I’m like you’re the quarterback, make something up”.



“Dude asked me where the clean towels were the other day after practice”, CB DeAndre Baker said, shaking his head slowly.  “I mean dude been playing here since I was in kindergarten and he gonna ask me?”



Coach Shurmer brushed aside questions regarding the unconventional call and Manning’s reaction.  “He’s a big boy.  He knows how it works.  What he can’t seem to grasp is the difference between a  Cover-2 Beater and a Zone-Weak, Bootleg Strong.”



At press time Manning was reportedly sitting dejectedly in the locker room watching a 24 second loop of his two yard touchdown pass to Victor Cruz in Super Bowl XLVI.

Company Phasing Out Raises in Lieu of Tawdry Motivational Trinkets

Riverside, CA – Allegiant Holdings CEO Maxwell Gustafsen announced today that the company is eschewing raises, bonuses, and other monetary compensation in favor of “personalized motivational awards” which, he states, would “resonate” with the employees on a deeper level.

“Driven by ever increasing competition and mounting operational expenses, we feel that these measures are imperative to remaining solvent and viable”, Gustafsen stated in a message on the company’s intranet.

“Oh, look”, Account Professional Lydia Gleeson stated sarcastically pointing to a mouse pad bearing the inscription: “You Rock!” in glitter.  “It’s my four year anniversary, and this is what I get.  Last year it was a paltry two percent raise, but still”.

“There goes my gym membership I guess”, she said, shaking her head.

Other awards included a coffee mug bearing the epigrammatic dictum “You’re the cream of the company!” and an embroidered key-shaped desk sign with the kitschy adage “Our employees are the key to our success!”

“Eleven years”, lamented Senior Account Manager Bill Ogden, “and they have the nerve to give me a tee shirt with the company logo and my name in stenciled block letters.  That’s it.  Eleven years.”

“It’s not even my size.”

Gustafsen was unavailable for comment at press time, as he and his pithy but voluptuous “personal assistant” Cassandra Milagro were headed to the airport where his private jet waited to whisk them to a “business meeting” in Cabo San Lucas.

Man Still Waiting For Score to Load

Sarasota, NY – With a single ad and what appeared to be a batting line-up just beginning to appear on his cell phone, 28 year old Clive Ferbus frantically refreshed the ESPN website from which he simply wanted to know the score of the Yankees Orioles game.

“It still says two to nothing”, the obviously frustrated Ferbus reported, “but it also says first inning, and I know it’s at least the top of the third.”

After another few agonizing minutes, during which Petsmart, GEICO and Ashley Homestore ads appeared, the increasingly agitated man still had no better understanding of the current score.

“Jeez”, he muttered, holding the phone aloft as if to invoke the nearest tower. “It still says two, but I mean is that the score?  Balls, strikes, what?”

“Runner on second”, he continued, his frustration reaching the boiling point, “but who?  Who’s at bat?”

Sources reported that a by then semi-delirious Ferbus finally gave up, turned his phone off and shoved it in his pocket just as a Walmart video began to play.

Man at Superbowl Party Wants Everyone to Know He Brought the Wings

Marietta, GA – Thirty-three year old divorced father of two Matt Poole insured that everyone in attendance at his friend Rodney Spence’s Superbowl party was aware that he, and he alone, brought the wings.

“Hey guys, the wings are on the counter by the microwave”, he said jovially to a small crowd which had assembled near the kitchen. “I brought ‘em”.

Poole then proceeded to grab a sriracha wing from the tray and stroll through the den where the majority of the partygoers were waiting for the kickoff. “Spicy”, he announced to no one in particular.  “That’ll light you up”, he added, exhaling sharply.

“Better get ‘em while they’re hot.  Won’t be any left by halftime, I can assure you.”

“Matt doesn’t get out much these days”, Margo Swanson, his neighbor and friend of his ex-wife explained.  “So this is kind of a big deal for him.  Honestly, I made the Thai curry and mango pineapple sauces”, she continued, her voice dropping.  “He texted me night before last just freaking out because he doesn’t know the first thing about cooking.”

“Only a few of these delicious cilantro lime wings left”, the completely broken man extolled as the partygoers filed past him, oblivious to his pleas.

At press time, Poole had cornered Rodney’s wife Belinda and offered to give her his recipes in exchange for one of her single female friend’s phone number.

Drinks With the Girls Doesn’t Warrant Fluffing Favorite Jeans

Warwick, Rhode Island – According to sources, an impromptu after work meet-up with the girlfriends was insufficient justification for tossing her favorite jeans in the dryer for a few minutes to de-wrinkle reported 28 year old human resources manager Bonita Sutherford.

“I mean it’s just Shenanigan’s”, she continued, referring to a local bar she and her neighbors frequented.  “It’s not like I’m going to run into Jason Momoa in there”, she sighed, giving the jeans a quick bullwhip snap and running her fingers through her hair in a half-hearted attempt to convince herself she’d “freshened up some”.

The denim pants, the back pocket of which contained a Starbucks receipt and a hair tie leftover from Sutherford’s last outing, went largely unnoticed during the evening, due mostly to the fact that her friend Janice Jordan’s revealing top garnered the lionesses share of the attention from the men in attendance.

“I would absolutely kill to be able to wear something like that”, the slightly tipsy Sutherford mused.

Sources also reported that a morose Sutherford did not in fact encounter anyone even remotely resembling Jason Momoa over the course of the evening, but did get a wink from bar regular “Flannel Shirt Guy” upon leaving.

Business Buzzword Translator

Although not as pervasive as in years past, business buzzwords are still with us. I want to believe that there has been a leveling-off of the practice because people are starting to actually think about what they say before they say it, but that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. Be that as it may, for the uninitiated, here is a list of business buzzwords and their alleged and actual meanings:

Action (as a verb): Supposedly means: To do something with, as in a problem or issue that must be dealt with. Actually means: Absolutely nothing. The word action is a noun.

Action items: Supposedly means: A list of things which must be done or dealt with. Actually means: A list of things which one will get a third of the way through before the business focus changes, and the list is forgotten.

Bandwidth: Supposedly means: The amount of work a person or group can accomplish. Actually means: A convenient excuse to not have time to help you.

Best practice: Supposedly means: A technique, method, or process which can be utilized across a range of applications and organizations. Actually means: This is how they do it over in Accounting, and no one’s been fired yet.

Big picture: Supposedly means: A comprehensive perspective of a situation or issue. Actually means: What we’ve been doing isn’t working, so everyone take one giant step backwards.

Core competencies: Supposedly means: Things that are critical to the way a specific business works. Actually means: One or two things a business can say unequivocally they know how to do.

Customer-centric or customer-focused: Supposedly means: To conduct business in such a manner that the customer’s needs and desires are always in the forefront. Actually means: Knocking 15% off the top to get the sale.

Drill down: Supposedly means: To investigate, or analyze the specifics of an issue. Actually means: To dwell on one item because it’s the only one you even slightly comprehend.

Globalization: Supposedly means: An integration of multi-national economies. Actually means: Your job is going eleven time zones away.

Leverage: Supposedly means: To take advantage of a resource without fully financing that resource. Actually means: To take advantage of a resource so you can blame that resource when the project ultimately fails.

Mission-critical: Supposedly means: A component of a project or organization which is crucial to its success. Actually means: It’s behind schedule and the boss is fuming.

Onboarding: Supposedly means: The process of acquiring, accommodating, assimilating and accelerating new team members. Actually means: Hiring people.

Outside the box: Supposedly means: To think or behave in a non-conventional manner. Actually means: To pretend to think or behave in a non-conventional manner.

Ownership: Supposedly means: To take responsibility for a thing or process. Actually means: The last person to touch it gets the blame.

Results-driven: Supposedly means: A style of working which focuses more on results than the actual work. Actually means: If it doesn’t blow up in our face, we’ll continue to do it that way.

Robust: Supposedly means: Strong; able to withstand and overcome difficulties. Actually means: It’s the boss’ pet project, so we had to invest twice the resources required.

Synergy: Supposedly means: A dynamic state in which combined action is favored over the sum of individual component actions. Actually means: It’s harder to blame any specific person if a group is responsible for it.

Value-added: Supposedly means: The value which is added to a product by a manufacturer or distributor. Actually means: Cost added.