Things Men Won’t Say

Well, it appears the truce in the Battle of the Sexes is holding and everyone is trying to get along and be sensitive to each other’s needs and so on. And, I think that’s great.

But - we will never, I repeat never - be “like your girlfriends.”

Men will always be men, and woman will always be women.  We’re “wired” differently, or so it’s said. We have a different chemical make-up. Whereas the female of the species is chock full of estrogen, potassium, and that one chemical that makes their feet cold enough to shatter tungsten steel, men tend to lean towards chlorine, zinc, and trace amounts of nitro glycerin.

In other words - it’s not our fault that we can never be like your girlfriends. We have highly unstable chemicals coursing through our veins.

So - for the love of everything good and decent - please stop trying to make us like you. Seriously, how boring and inexplicably weird would it be if there were no discernable differences between us? No Yin to go with the Yang, if you get my drift.

And so it is that now - in the spirit of mutual understanding and continued harmony - I bring you Things Men Won’t Say. Ever:

“Honey, I just peeked into your closet and you don’t have nearly enough shoes.”
“Sure, you can go bar-hopping with your alcoholic, nymphomaniac girlfriends. Stay out as late as you like.”
“Darn, there’s nothing but sports on TV. Where’s the Sex and the City boxed set?”
“Why don’t we ever talk about the relationship anymore?”
“Oh, look! There’s a sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Grab your purse!”
“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: violent sports are a clear manifestation of a pseudo-ambiguous sexual urge coupled with a repressed oedipal conflict.”
“How about we just stay in and give each other pedicures tonight?”
“I get that from my Mother.”
“If one more person asks what’s up with me today, I am just going to scream.”
“Sex, sex, sex. Can’t we just cuddle every now and then?”

One more thing, ladies. We know when you throw out our ratty old t-shirts. We take out the garbage.

Falling Into Fall

I hate to see Summer go. I wail and bellow, and snort and stomp my feet. I cry like a child who’s just discovered Hannah Montana isn’t real. I hate it. In fact, I get so mad at Summer for leaving that I won’t return any of it’s phone calls for weeks.

Then - my eyes swollen and cheeks puffy from alligator tears - I force myself to face the grim reality that it’s over and now it’s time for Fall.

Seriously, Fall? A season so fantastic they named it after something clumsy people do. Why not just call it Nosepick? Or Bunion?

And to hear everyone go on and on about how great Fall is. “Oh the leaves are so pri-teeee. Feel that nip in the air?” Whatever.

So, I’m sucking it up and trying to look on the “bright side”. Of Fall. To come up with a few things about Fall that don’t totally gag me:

10. Football. This year, there will be 16,804 televised football games between Labor Day and January 2^nd. 7,157 of them will feature an announcer using the term “rose to the occasion” far too many times.
9. Air conditioner cuts off a few minutes here and there.
8. “Vomiting” jack-o-lanterns.
7. Crappy Summer replacement shows are replaced by crappy Fall premiere shows.
6. Octoberfest.
5. Grass stops growing like it was on steroids.
4. Line at the Dairy Queen drive-thru isn’t nearly as long.
3. Neighborhood third-graders stop pushing lemonade on every corner.
2. Get to pull that sweater with the patches on the elbows out of storage.
1. Anything looks better when you prop it up next to Winter.

So. That’s it. It’s the best I can do right now, okay? I have to go. Summer’s texted me like five times already today.

The Stupid Quiz

People like to toss around terms like stupid rather carelessly. They’ll even refer to inanimate objects as stupid. As in, “my stupid car ran out of gas on my way to work”. But, as we all know, the car can’t put gas in itself. So, who in this equation would be the stupid one?

But, I digress. Personally, I think everyone should have the opportunity to prove they’re not stupid. So, I’ve invented the Stupid Quiz:

Flour is to cake as cement is to:
A. Sand
B. Concrete
C. Coal
D. Cake? Did you say cake? What kind of cake is it? Is it chocolate?

The relationship between the radius and circumference of a circle can be numerically expressed as:
A. 7/22
B. 22/7
C. (7/22) * 3.14
D. Ohhhhh, I hope it’s chocolate. Chocolate is my favorite!

Which of the following is not a type of rock?
A. Icelandite
B. Basanite
C. Pumice
D. What about the icing?!?! Is it chocolate too???

Alexander the Great was:
A. Phoenician
B. Macedonian
C. Egyptian
D. Are there candles on the cake? Is it somebody’s birthday? Is it my birthday???

The maximum speed a free-falling object can obtain is known as:
A. Event horizon
B. Blue shift
C. Terminal velocity
D. Seriously, is it chocolate?

Scoring: If you answered “D“ to any of the questions, then I regret to inform you that you are undeniably stupid. Otherwise, you’re good to go. Have a nice day.