Customer Disservice

Standing in line at a fast food restaurant, I noticed the lad behind the counter was struggling to enter the order of a couple in front of me.  It wasn’t even that difficult an order, but the young man kept pecking at his console with an expression of total bewilderment.  At one point I reckoned it would’ve taken fewer keystrokes to spin up and launch a missile from a Trident submarine than to place an order for a couple of burgers, one with extra pickles, hold the mayo.
                                    
Anyone who’s ever tried to navigate the IVR (interactive voice response) system for a customer service line knows the frustration all too well.  You can almost hear faint echoes of laughter in the background from the manager that signed off on this nightmarish carousel-from-hell ear torture which typically after several minutes culminates with a: “Sorry, you’ve entered an invalid selection.  Goodbye”.

Admittedly, you don’t have to look very far to find customer service people who are apathetic, incompetent, and slothful, but the real problem here is often a lack of training, tools, and motivation for those who serve us.  Companies like to talk about their “world class” or “award winning” customer service, but this is often merely corporate-speak.  When your average business is looking to cut costs – and they’re always looking to cut costs – service is where they look first.  The sales staff and middle to upper management are generally richly compensated, while service takes a back seat; underpaid, understaffed, and underfunded.  And it’s typically the lowly phone grunt or order taker that feels the sting of the customer’s frustration when a popular item has been out of stock for weeks, or the repairman didn’t show up when promised, or it’s “company policy” that you can’t substitute one side item for another which costs the same amount.

For the estimated nine in ten Americans earning (or eking out) a living in customer service, the pain of enduring a beat-down for the short-comings of corporate skimping is both real and undeserved. And you just have to smile and take it.

But – when you hit the clock at the end of your shift, you magically transform into a consumer. You’re the customer now.  And the best way to have an impact is to demand the level of service the business claims to offer.  And the best way to do that is to understand the person standing in front of you or on the other end of the phone is not only not the problem, but also powerless to change anything.  Go to the company’s web-site and make your voice heard.  Be specific about the problem.  Don’t hold back.  Offer suggestions, like: “Took forever to pull up my account.  Upgrade software much?” Or: “Couldn’t hear me at the drive-thru.  Same speaker from when you opened in 1989?”  You’re the customer.  Vote with your wallet, and let them know if they want your business they’ll take you seriously and make those pretty words mean something.

Password Purgatory

Many in recent years have suggested that American workers aren’t as productive as our international counterparts.  Some say we spend too much time goofing off, playing on Facebook, or just zoning out at work.  I suggest that the single biggest reason our productivity has sagged since the turn of the century is that we are constantly forced to prove to our computer programs that we are who we say we are.

Yes, the latest in a never-ending parade of foreshadowing the apocalypse is the ubiquitous password.

If I were to do the math, I estimate that I’ve spent an average of three to five hours a week over the past decade dealing with passwords – changing them, remembering them, trying to come up with ones that meet the outlandish criteria, remembering where I wrote them down, and entering them – often multiple times a day.

Passwords are supposed to make our data more secure from hackers.  But I’ve heard that data breaches are more often than not caused by an employee clicking on an e-mail or hyperlink containing malware, and having every employee from coast to coast change their password every nine and a half minutes isn’t going to stop that.

The fact is, this fanatical obsession with – and subservience to passwords has only created the illusion of security, but then creating and propagating illusions seems to be the norm these days.  Like many other rituals in which we mindlessly partake, this Saint Vitus’ dance to the gods of encryption technology is here to stay.  And, will probably become increasingly senseless.

As one who remembers when “single sign-on” meant just that, I cannot contain my utter disgust when forced to create a nonsensical string of characters which must contain an upper and lower case letter, symbol, number, and buffalo ranch chicken dip recipe; cannot have been used by myself or any other person ever; and apparently cannot be Just@Shoot#Me*Now!

Trust me, I’ve tried it.

10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear in Bed

As longtime readers are aware, I will occasionally delve into the thorny topic of relationships.  Hot, sweaty, writhing, pulsating, gasping for air relationships.  The time has therefore come – and very possibly passed – to tackle one of the more vexatious issues: things you never want to pass your partner’s lips during intimacy.  In that spirit, here are the 10 things you never want to hear in bed:

10. “I thought you had the handcuffs key.”

9. “It is in.”
8. “Yes, that’s it.  Yeah, right there- wait, who defeated Napoleon at Waterloo: the British, Prussians, Turks or Spanish?”
7. “That reminds me, it’s two for one night at Samurai Sushi.”
6. “Found the remote!”
5. “Don’t worry, it happens to all men sometimes.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”
4. The Jeopardy theme song.
3. “I bought zucchinis at the market today, in case you want to know how that feels.”
2. “Are you finished?”

And the number one thing you never want to hear in bed:

 
1. “If you stop now, I promise I won’t call the police.”