A Beginner's Guide to DWS (Driving While Stupid)

I've been driving for about 37 years now, and if there's two things I can tell you it's: (1) the average driver gets a little dumber every year, and (2) the average driver gets a little less considerate every year. I know, I know. Everybody says that, right? It's always the other guy that's stupid, or lazy or drives like a maniac. Well, I'm going to wrap this thing up and slap a big ole tear-off sticky-pad bow on it. Following is a step-by-step guide to determine if you are guilty of DWS, or Driving While Stupid.

Cat-nappers: We've all been there. It's rush hour, you're several cars back waiting at a "fast green" light. Finally, the light turns green, and- nothing. The other lanes are moving, but not yours - which if you think about it, is the only important one to you at the time. After several agonizing seconds the lead car hunkers down and blasts under the light - just as it turns red again. You've just been the victim of a Cat-napper. And, you'll probably see him again. At the next light.

Dinosaurs: You gotta love our senior citizens. Really. I mean, without them how would we know how much better things were in the "good ole days", and how to pay for EVERY purchase with exact change? But the sad fact is, as we get older our reaction time increases, our hearing and eyesight deteriorate and as a result, it's not only possible, but common for an individual that cannot navigate a shopping cart down the ethnic foods aisle at the Safeway without leaving a trail of matzah and garbanzo beans in their wake commandeering a 3,500 pound, 400 horse power vehicle. Shudder.

Distractobots: Cannot just drive the car. Oh, no, they have to be talking on the phone, text-messaging, fishing around under the seat for a CD, or doing needlepoint while they drive. Once, I saw a man actually clipping his toenails while gliding down I-295 at speeds approaching 80 m.p.h. You see, Distractobots get bored easily. I mean these newer cars practically drive themselves! Why waste valuable time concentrating on things like road signs, merging traffic, and- WHOA, that was close...

B.H.L.s (Blue-haired Ladies): Drive automobiles that are inversely proportional to themselves, in terms of things like weight and mass. These tiny, frail ladies want all the car they can barely get their hands on, and since they can't possibly climb up into an SUV, have pretty much cornered the market on Lincoln Continentals and Ford Crown Victorias. And there they go - white-knuckled and peering through that little space between the steering wheel and the dashboard. With little satin pillows on the rear deck.

Slo-bees: Drive r-e-a-l-l-y, r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w. Like, really slow. The needle on the average Slo-bee's speedometer has never seen 45. Many Slo-bees learned to drive when things moved at a more relaxed pace and everyone wasn't in such a confounded hurry to get somewhere or another. And they miss those days. So much, they want to bring them back. Slowly. The most maddening thing about a Slo-bee is that it only takes one to clog traffic like a grease-filled drain.

Fast-lane Nazis: This may come as a shock to many drivers but the left (or leftmost) lane on any road, highway, or turnpike with more than one lane going in either direction is known as the fast lane. Anyone want to guess why it's called the fast lane? Anyone? That's right! Because the traffic is supposed to move faster over there. Supposed to, but often doesn't because of Fast-lane Nazis. After I'd been driving for, say, a day and a half, I had a idea: Put signs up on the side of the road that say "Slower Traffic Keep Right". And, you know what? They did! Do you think Fast-lane Nazis care? Nooooo, they don't. There they go, always three to five miles an hour slower than the traffic in the right lane, head thrown back, pretending not to glance into their rear-view mirror to see if anyone's pointing a rocket-propelled grenade at them. The thing is, Fast-lane Nazis know they're supposed to move over. But - they pay their taxes just like you and, by golly, if they want to drive over there then that's where they'll drive.

Zippers: Zip in and out of traffic, often barely missing other vehicles. You've heard the expression "the other lane always moves faster"? Well, it doesn't. But you'll never convince a Zipper of that. You leave one micron of space between you and the car in front of you and, poof - there's a Zipper. No wait, he's back over- no, he's over here ag- no, no, he's back. Zippers are comprised mostly of our younger drivers, and they seem to prefer sporty imports. And long, wide highways.

Drifters: Are not a 60's beach music group. Rather, Drifters are drivers that cannot seem to stay between the lines. At any given point, they'll be 78% in the right lane, and 22% in the left. Or, 87% in the right lane and 13% on the shoulder. If there's a slight turn in the road, the Drifter's brain will convince him that it's not worth having to flex that pinkie muscle and pull the wheel 1/128th of an inch to the right to negotiate it. At some point the road will cut back the other way. Could be a mile or so up the road, but eventually they'll be in the vicinty of middle of the lane. Pure, unadulterated laziness. Check out the side mirrors on the Drifter's car. Odds are, there are three or four different colors of paint on them.

Now What?
I'm convinced that fining people for driving while stupid is kind of like taking money out of a one-year-old's college fund when they go poopie in their diapers; they just don't get the connection. They'll whine and snort (the ticketed driver, not the one-year-old) about getting the ticket, and they'll go get the money order and pay it. And, they'll be right back on the road, driving while stupid again. If you really want to change their behavior, if you really want to cure the stupid driver, there are two things you must do:

1. Get rid of these dumb driving tests and make people prove they can actually drive. There are these things called driving simulators, which - as the name implies - allow a person to simulate driving under various conditions. There are night-time modes, thunderstorm modes, 24-lane highway rush hour modes. You name it, they can simulate it. So what you do is, you tailor the test to the locale of the prospective driver. If they pull out in front of another car, poot along at speeds well under the posted limit, close their eyes when traffic merges onto their lane, or exhibit any of the other bad driving habits listed here, you fail them. Period. They may try again in two weeks, or a month. Whatever. Just do not give that person a drivers license.

2. If you do get a ticket (and plead or are found guilty), you go back in and take the simulation test again. If you fail - on top of having just gotten the ticket - then you have pretty much proven that you're either too stupid to drive, or you just don't care enough to do it right. In either case, you lose your license for three to six months, depending on the severity of the stupidness.

Why You Care
Although automobile fatalities per mile travelled are down over the past few years, they still exceed 40,000 annually. This is insane. Because many, if not most of these accidents could be prevented if drivers would just stop driving stupid.

Finally
All cars have turn signals. Find yours and learn to operate it.

25 Things You Absolutely Don't Need To Know About Me

As I'm sure all of you have heard by now, the latest Facebook flavor-of-the-week rage is a viral, chain-letter type list that members post of 25 random things about themselves. Which tells me two things: One, these people have way too much time on their hands, and two, as of last Thursday an estimated 5 million people have demonstrated that they sure do love themselves some themselves. I mean, seriously, can you think of 25 things about yourself that anyone other than your closest family and friends would give two hoots about? Unless you were a famous movie star, or the president of France or something? But, the thing that really grates my grits is that I haven't been "tagged" yet. And - I'm not about to sit around and wait for it to happen. So, without further ado, here are 25 things you absolutely don't need to know about me:

25. I have a subscription to the "Mayonnaise of the Month Club".
24. I like to go to Civil War re-enactments. Whenever there's a lull in the action I jump out from behind a tree and yell "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta KISS me".
23. I cried during Titanic. The opening credits.
22. Growing up, I would never eat Girl Scout cookies because I thought they had actual Girl Scouts in them.
21. I have a third nipple under my left arm. No wait, it's just a zit.
20. My 8th favorite Chinese food is Moo Goo Gui Pan.
19. Sometimes, I like to pretend I'm an undercover CIA agent, code-named Chainsaw. I go to the mall and furtively "tail" people at random until accosted by mall security.
18. I have a pair of silky black speedo-like underwear with a red devil on the front, which says "You devil!"
17. I couldn't pronounce Massachusetts until I was 11.
16. I still can't pronounce aluminuminuminum.
15. I can sometimes pick up AM radio stations with a filling in a molar.
14. I put ketchup on pancakes.
13. My head is 7% larger than it needs to be.
12. I run over squirrels with my car every chance I get.
11. I never cared who shot J.R. The bastard deserved it.
10. I sometimes gaze up at all the stars in the sky and wonder if NASA is just screwing with us.
9. I once owned a mutt named Peabody.
8. I like to do Jager shots from a squirt gun.
7. I collect 18th century Spanish coins. So far I have one.
6. I put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp, but I didn't put the ding in the rama-lama ding-dong.
5. As of this moment, I have $11.58 in my pocket.
4. Once, I laughed so hard that beer came out of my nose.
3. I was once denied entry to a ritzy, beachfront bar in Boca Raton, Florida.
2. I just don't get this new math.

And the number one thing you absolutely don't need to know about me:

1. I pee sitting down.

New TV Channels for 2009

Think there's nothing to watch on TV? Well, now there is! Here's a small sampling of the newest channels to grace the air - cable - satellite waves:


The Philodendron Network:
Featuring "Split-leaf vs. Heart-leafed" wherein panalists debate the particulars of the two varieties; "Potting With Pat", and the award-winning "The Philodendron Whisperer".


The Alcrapistan Network:
Now, millions of Alcrapistani-Americans can enjoy the sights and sounds of their far-off, pestilence-ridden homeland! Offerings include "Where's My Yak?", a game-show which gives contestants five minutes to find their yak, which has been hidden by the show's crew. If they're successful, they win big prizes! If not, they'll be stealing their neighbor's yak, for sure! Young, forbidden love between the son of a wealthy land baron and a destitute, prematurely arthritic turnip farmer who long for the day they are allowed to make eye-contact in public is featured in the pulse-pounding drama "I Have Not Bathed Since the Harvest". Finally, there's "Alcrapistan Tonight", a variety show featuring a re-cap of the days events, a stirring patriotic message from the Most Blessed Supreme Benevolent Ruler, and a stock market report on yak futures. Quality programming? You betcha!


The Dane Cook Network:
All Dane, all the time.


The PMS Network:
The network's editors have combed the archives of The Lifetime Network, We and Oxygen and found 137 movies which all feature a man being castrated by rusty garden shears. New this month: "Escape From Terror: The Ellen Elongovich Story", "Don't Look In The Utility Shed", and "Now, Where Did I Put Those Rusty Garden Shears?". Advertisers include Midol, Carefree, Haagan Dazs, and Home Depot.


The Mime Network:







The Insomniac Network:
Re-runs of "The Golden Girls", "Three's Company" and "Barney Miller" interspersed with infomercials for sleep aids. And lawyer ads. Lots and lots of lawyer ads.


The Crimean War Network:
Computer-aided reenactments and what if scenarios highlight the offerings on this much-maligned conflict. Programming is interrupted every hour, on the hour, for a reading of "The Charge of the Light Brigade" by Charlie Sheen.


The Remedial Math Network:
Shows include "Mr. Fraction and Ms. Decimal", "What Goes Into What?", and "Don't Get Short-Changed", a call-in show which allows viewers to call in and ask a panel of experts if they got the correct change from a financial transaction.


The ADD Network:
For people with short attention spans. No show longer than fifteen minutes. Featuring "No Repeat Tuesdays", "What Was I Saying?", and "An In-depth Analysis of- Hey, I Never Noticed That Before!".