As previously noted, I don’t much care for TV commercials. I’ll change the channel, or mute the sound, but every now and again, the remote is just that far out of reach, and I am subjected to 45 seconds of vacant propaganda. Such was the case this past evening. The pitch was for some drug I’d never heard of, Eklastia, or something. I don’t even remember what it’s for. People who experience uncontrollable urges to break into Broadway show tunes or something.
But it’s the side effects that I don’t get. This particular one listed the following:
* Dry mouth
* Swollen feet
* Thoughts of mayhem
* Sweaty palms
* Blurred vision
* Uncontrollable bowel
* Urge to launch into diatribe against Nancy Grace to no one in particular
* Webbed fingers
* Tinnitus
* Delusions of grandeur, including but not limited to, thinking oneself to be a deposed Nigerian king
* Compulsive urge to count backwards from 1,182 by three’s
* Itchy scalp
* Excessive ebullience
* Unexplainable desire to walk up to complete strangers, pull them off to one side and whisper “They‘ve broken the code. Revert to the alphabet soup encryption scheme immediately. Pass it on.”
* Hallucinogenic visions involving gigantic amphibians and flying pizza boxes
* Uncontrollable urge to break into Broadway show tunes
Oh yeah, where do I sign up for that? I can’t believe people take this stuff voluntarily.
On that note, if one more E.D. commercial instructs me to “ask my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex”, I will actually do it. I’m serious. I anticipate the conversation will go something like this:
“Listen, doc, sorry to bother you, but I have a feeling one of those ‘special moments’ is on the horizon. Yeah. Tonight, probably. Or maybe, I don’t know. Because she kind of brushed up against me in the hallway, and then she gave me this look. Whadaya mean, “describe the look?“ It was- a look. Wearing? I don’t know what she was wearing. Anyway, I was just wondering if I was healthy enough for sex. I’m not? Why? Okay, but other than that? Really? Are you sure? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It could? Yeah, but, what are the odds? Seriously, that high?”
On second thought, I’m going to pass on asking the doctor. Sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Super Bowl XLV Half-time Show to Feature Intentional Wardrobe Malfunction
Dallas, TX - Citing sagging TV ratings and the looming lockout for the 2011 NFL season, Super Bowl committee spokesman Hal Wimbush announced today that the committee has decided to stage an intentional “wardrobe malfunction” during the half-time show of Super Bowl XLV.
“We’re talking full areola”, Wimbush added with a wink. “Maybe two.”
Fox Network spokesman Biff Shorn defended the committee’s decision. “This is America,” Shorn said, “and in America, we pretty much like breasts.” Shorn admitted Fox Network will have to “bite the pillow” with regards to the fine which the FCC will inevitably impose. “We’ve already crunched the digits” he said, shrugging. “Nips sell. What do you want me to say?”
Not everyone is enamored with the news, however. “To intentionally expose a woman’s breast on national television before an audience of millions for the sake of ratings is an affront to decency and degrading to women everywhere” spat Heidi Huffleman, spokesperson for SVBEAW, or Stop Violence and Breast Exposure Against Women. “My God”, she continued stiffly, “people will be trying to eat during half-time.”
Some will remember the “accidental” split-second wardrobe malfunction from the Super Bowl XXXVIII half-time show, which was the undeniable swan song for Justin Timberlake’s career, but propelled Janet Jackson into a three month resurgence which has long since nose-dived into oblivion. Wimbush vowed this “northern exposure” would last considerably longer. “We’re still tweaking the aperture”, he noted. “Don’t hold me to anything, but it’ll be long enough for everyone to get a good wide-screen, high-definition look.”
A spokesman for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell reported that the commissioner has “made his position crystal clear” on what is already being termed “Milkgate”. Mr. Goodell will have a bird’s-eye view from his luxury skybox, on the fifty yard line.
While Wimbush would not divulge the identity of the woman whose breast will likely become the most downloaded, posted, and snickered over in history, he did rule out Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, who are to perform prior to the “nip-slip”.
“Wanted too much money”, Wimbush added with a scowl.
Among those rumored to be the “teat treat” are Katy Perry, Vivian Fox, and Rachael Uchitel, although a feverish write-in campaign for Betty White is already in the works.
Wimbush would not comment on rumors of a planned goat sacrifice for the Super Bowl XLVI half-time show.
“We’re talking full areola”, Wimbush added with a wink. “Maybe two.”
Fox Network spokesman Biff Shorn defended the committee’s decision. “This is America,” Shorn said, “and in America, we pretty much like breasts.” Shorn admitted Fox Network will have to “bite the pillow” with regards to the fine which the FCC will inevitably impose. “We’ve already crunched the digits” he said, shrugging. “Nips sell. What do you want me to say?”
Not everyone is enamored with the news, however. “To intentionally expose a woman’s breast on national television before an audience of millions for the sake of ratings is an affront to decency and degrading to women everywhere” spat Heidi Huffleman, spokesperson for SVBEAW, or Stop Violence and Breast Exposure Against Women. “My God”, she continued stiffly, “people will be trying to eat during half-time.”
Some will remember the “accidental” split-second wardrobe malfunction from the Super Bowl XXXVIII half-time show, which was the undeniable swan song for Justin Timberlake’s career, but propelled Janet Jackson into a three month resurgence which has long since nose-dived into oblivion. Wimbush vowed this “northern exposure” would last considerably longer. “We’re still tweaking the aperture”, he noted. “Don’t hold me to anything, but it’ll be long enough for everyone to get a good wide-screen, high-definition look.”
A spokesman for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell reported that the commissioner has “made his position crystal clear” on what is already being termed “Milkgate”. Mr. Goodell will have a bird’s-eye view from his luxury skybox, on the fifty yard line.
While Wimbush would not divulge the identity of the woman whose breast will likely become the most downloaded, posted, and snickered over in history, he did rule out Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, who are to perform prior to the “nip-slip”.
“Wanted too much money”, Wimbush added with a scowl.
Among those rumored to be the “teat treat” are Katy Perry, Vivian Fox, and Rachael Uchitel, although a feverish write-in campaign for Betty White is already in the works.
Wimbush would not comment on rumors of a planned goat sacrifice for the Super Bowl XLVI half-time show.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Spam Volume Down; Unresponsive Recipients to Blame
A number of sources, from Time.com to NerdNewz are reporting that “spam”, or unsolicited e-mail traffic, has dropped to an alarming low, and that apathetic recipients are to blame.
“Believe it or not, it costs money to e-mail this crap to you”, reported a man who would only provide his screen name sLiThEr909 from an undisclosed location. “You think we just crank this stuff out from a notebook in our apartment? It takes hardware. Routers. Integrated servers. We got overhead.”
“Now that I think about it, I haven’t gotten a refi offer, or on-line dating solicitation e-mail in weeks”, reported Lucy Howard, from an internet cafe in Evansville, Illinois. “And only a handful of credit counseling and fat-burning pill offers.”
“I thought I’d finally gotten my spam filter dialed in”, Fort Worth high school basketball coach and biology teacher Phil Blount commented. “But they’re just sending less?”
“How about that”, he added, before walking away, almost forlornly.
“Every entrepreneur, even slime bags such as these, look at the bottom line”, said Brian Richardson, CEO of SpamNoMore, a spam-blocking software producer. “If people aren’t clicking on their e-mail offers, they’ll look for other ways to annoy the hell out of you.” Mr. Richardson then produced his phone, displaying ads for penny auctions and colon-cleansing remedies.
“But, you still need this spam-blocker software”, he quickly added, stuffing the phone back into his pocket. “Spam-Away II releases later this month, only $29.95.”
“Look, we know things are tough all over”, sLiThEr909 continued. “But don’t even try to tell me you don’t have a few bucks lying around for some fake Viagra or bogus work-from-home scam.”
“I’ve seen what you people drop on Yankees bling and Taylor Swift CDs.”
“Believe it or not, it costs money to e-mail this crap to you”, reported a man who would only provide his screen name sLiThEr909 from an undisclosed location. “You think we just crank this stuff out from a notebook in our apartment? It takes hardware. Routers. Integrated servers. We got overhead.”
“Now that I think about it, I haven’t gotten a refi offer, or on-line dating solicitation e-mail in weeks”, reported Lucy Howard, from an internet cafe in Evansville, Illinois. “And only a handful of credit counseling and fat-burning pill offers.”
“I thought I’d finally gotten my spam filter dialed in”, Fort Worth high school basketball coach and biology teacher Phil Blount commented. “But they’re just sending less?”
“How about that”, he added, before walking away, almost forlornly.
“Every entrepreneur, even slime bags such as these, look at the bottom line”, said Brian Richardson, CEO of SpamNoMore, a spam-blocking software producer. “If people aren’t clicking on their e-mail offers, they’ll look for other ways to annoy the hell out of you.” Mr. Richardson then produced his phone, displaying ads for penny auctions and colon-cleansing remedies.
“But, you still need this spam-blocker software”, he quickly added, stuffing the phone back into his pocket. “Spam-Away II releases later this month, only $29.95.”
“Look, we know things are tough all over”, sLiThEr909 continued. “But don’t even try to tell me you don’t have a few bucks lying around for some fake Viagra or bogus work-from-home scam.”
“I’ve seen what you people drop on Yankees bling and Taylor Swift CDs.”
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