So Halloween is just around the corner and you know you’re going to “dress up”, because well, that’s what people do. And, well, you’re going to do it too. Fine. Just, please - for the love of whatever it is you hold sacred - do not wear any of the following:
10. Harry Potter. Always reminded me of that one nerdy kid that was into the chess club and Big Bang Theory and all that other “it’s so uncool, it’s cool“ crap. Newflash: It’s still uncool.
9. Any costume that’s sole purpose is to show more skin. Just go in your underwear; tell everyone you’re Madonna.
8. Vampire - Witch - Werewolf. They’re really all the same costume; mythical, evil persona that used to inspire fear and now only inspires boredom. Yawn.
7. Any political figure. Hey look, I’m Obama, or Richard Nixon, or Sarah Bachmann. Real funny.
6. Couple costumes. À la electrical plug and socket, cop and prisoner, etc. We know you’re a couple, and - you look ridiculous.
5. Mummy. The ultimate lazy person’s costume. Take an old sheet, rip it up into strips and enshroud yourself in it. Real creative.
4. Any uniform. Little league umpire, scrub nurse, crossing guard. We’ve known for years you moonlight, so technically it’s not a costume, is it?
3. That really expensive costume you ordered from lastminutecostumes.com because it seemed like a good idea at the time and you paid $89.95 plus another $20 for overnight shipping and now just makes you look like a total tool.
2. Justin Bieber \ Selena Gomez. You’re 37; get over it.
1. Any Star Wars character. How George Lucas isn’t richer than God by now is beyond me. It was kitschy, cartoonish, pseudo-sci-fi, and the American public lapped it up like pampered house cats sucking down sardine flavored Cool Whip. I once saw a guy actually dressed as Jabba the Hutt. It took two buddies to carry the tail. Way to travel light there, Einstein.
So, if you must “dress up” for Halloween, please select an outfit that’s not a total cliché that’s already been done 20 bazillion times, or one that screams “I found something that’s really unique and I know that because it’s the top seller”. It’s one night, and no one will remember come November 1st.
Boo!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Top 10 Bad Horror Movie Clichés
As a kid I loved watching horror movies. I also loved The Monkees and Cap’n Crunch cereal, so it‘s not like I was incredibly discriminating. Nowadays I just can’t enjoy horror movies, mostly because I’m too busy playing horror movie cliché bingo to actually enjoy the “plot“ {snicker}. But apparently predictability sells, so who am I to argue?
Nonetheless, I’ve complied a list of the most prolific horror movie clichés for your perusal. And, I’ve abbreviated the terms intended victim (IV) and bad guy (BG) because studies have shown that most people won’t read articles over 400 words long:
10. It’s always a full moon, so you can still see the terror in the IV’s eyes after the BG cuts the power.
9. The ditzy, reckless, buffoon is always the first to get sliced and diced.
8. The IV always inexplicably runs away from a safe, well-lit location into the woods, or cemetery or abandoned factory.
7. Ominous music always swells just before the BG strikes - except for that one time - just to tease you.
6. There’s always at least one camera sequence from the BG’s eye-view, typically rising slowly into a window or from the rafters of the abandoned factory.
5. The IV always screams out, “Why don’t you leave us alone!”, a rhetorical question if ever there was one.
4. The local law enforcement figure - usually a deputy or sheriff - is always wearing a jacket, even if it’s mid-August.
3. The IV always loses cell phone service just as the BG is about to strike - even if they’re in midtown Manhattan.
2. Movie always ends with some omen that the BG will return - even if he was shot, burned to a crisp, stuffed into a wood chipper, and impaled with the bumper from a ‘63 Chevy Impala.
And the number one horror movie cliché:
1. If Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it, you’re guaranteed cleavage.
Nonetheless, I’ve complied a list of the most prolific horror movie clichés for your perusal. And, I’ve abbreviated the terms intended victim (IV) and bad guy (BG) because studies have shown that most people won’t read articles over 400 words long:
10. It’s always a full moon, so you can still see the terror in the IV’s eyes after the BG cuts the power.
9. The ditzy, reckless, buffoon is always the first to get sliced and diced.
8. The IV always inexplicably runs away from a safe, well-lit location into the woods, or cemetery or abandoned factory.
7. Ominous music always swells just before the BG strikes - except for that one time - just to tease you.
6. There’s always at least one camera sequence from the BG’s eye-view, typically rising slowly into a window or from the rafters of the abandoned factory.
5. The IV always screams out, “Why don’t you leave us alone!”, a rhetorical question if ever there was one.
4. The local law enforcement figure - usually a deputy or sheriff - is always wearing a jacket, even if it’s mid-August.
3. The IV always loses cell phone service just as the BG is about to strike - even if they’re in midtown Manhattan.
2. Movie always ends with some omen that the BG will return - even if he was shot, burned to a crisp, stuffed into a wood chipper, and impaled with the bumper from a ‘63 Chevy Impala.
And the number one horror movie cliché:
1. If Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it, you’re guaranteed cleavage.
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