The Excuse Jar

Is it just me, or does everybody seem to have a never-ending list of excuses ready to spring at a moment’s notice?  I forgot, I was wasted, I got a nosebleed.  And politicians are the worst, always ready to pop out some lame excuse with the deftness of a toothpick dispenser.  I was exhausted from the campaign, I was out of the loop, I swear I thought she was 18.

When it comes to contrived justification for shirking responsibility, we as a society have pretty much dialed it in.  But, I find I’m not as quick on the draw as in days past, so I’ve created an excuse jar, from which I can randomly extract a completely contrived and rationalized flimsy pretext for my short-comings and failings.  I suggest you do the same.  But, you can’t use mine; make your own:

* Bruce Willis marathon on FX

* Couldn’t find two matching socks
* Got urgent text from Zorkloff, Supreme Commander of the Klemidian Confederacy
* Busy contemplating the swirl patterns in Scott Caan’s hair
* Egg salad sandwich with Texas Pete not sitting well
* Still reeling over Cubs dismal season
* Checking eBay auction for 1916 quarter in mint condition
* Parking meter about to expire
* Forced to wear paisley as a child
* A little thing I do on the side for the State Dept.; can’t really talk about it
* Last time I did it, my gums were sore for a week
* Gotta practice my curling release
* Have that bloated, gassy feeling
* Moon is in Sagittarius with Virgo ascending
* Why don’t you ask Travis instead, since you can’t seem to take your eyes off him
* Still trying to figure out if it’s toe-MAY-toe or toe-MAH-toe
* Gave it up for Lent
* Despondent over Khloe and Lamar’s breakup
* Grout in shower not going to clean itself
* Weeding out expired pizza coupons
* Porphyrophobia

Peace on Earth and Visions of Sugarplums

Tis the season.  For decking of halls and merry gentlemen resting, and riding horse-drawn sleighs over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house.  And, peace on earth and goodwill towards men.  We send glittery, brightly colored greeting cards to our loved ones adorned with these platitudes, and think, “It’s a pretty card”, and not ”What a joke.  Peace?  Seriously?”

When the first primitive man discovered he could take up a club or stone and use it to intimidate or bludgeon his neighbor into getting his way, the art of violence was created.  And Man can no more unlearn this art than he can unlearn any of our other more primal instincts.  Peace on earth?  As noble a longing as it be, it is more likely that we all wake up on Christmas morning and find that we’re all just  living in some cosmic snow globe for some deity’s amusement.

The reader will be forgiven for thinking me cynical.

In 1955 Jill Jackson Miller and Sy Miller penned a song called “Let There Be Peace on Earth” which was later popularized by Vince Gill.  The song’s lyrics - let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me – are striking in both the simplicity and the plaintive entreaty; that an outbreak of peace must begin with he who implores it.

So, in the immortal words of Steve Martin in his now famous SNL parody “If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season” it would be that there would one day truly be peace on earth.  And that it would begin with me.

And you.

NFL Rejects Giant’s Request for “Do-overs”

Police were called to the home of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell after a visibly disheveled and unshaven Tom Coughlin was reportedly discovered beating on the commissioner’s door at 4:30 am waving a copy of the NFL rulebook to which he had appended approximately seven pages of hand-written “rules”.  Among them was the stipulation that any team which “had failed to win a game going into the seventh week of regular season - which was limited to past Super Bowl champions in major markets - and whose starting Quarterback had become a bungling dunderhead apparently unable to distinguish the players wearing his team’s uniforms from the opponent’s” should be allowed a do-over.  The desperate manifesto further proclaimed that in such an event, all teams records would be reset to 0-0, and the season shortened thusly.

Goodell was forced to call the police after Coughlin repeatedly refused to leave the premises, and even after Goodell pointed out that the added rules were obviously counterfeit, containing several misspellings and a reference to Dallas Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones as a “cheater, cheater, pumpkin-eater”.

Coughlin was bailed out by team back-up Quarterback Curtis Painter, who reported he’d been awake anyway, studying the Giant’s playbook in the hopes Coughlin would start him in Manning’s place against the Raiders.

In related news, sources were unable to confirm Pittsburgh Steeler’s owner Dan Rooney was hiding among some shrubs in Goodell’s front yard eagerly anticipating Goodell’s decision.