What I Believe

I believe that 99.7% of all politicians would kick their Grandmother in the crotch for 25 votes.

I believe that you should be allowed to go one mile over the speed limit for every year you have driven without crashing into a tree, or a telephone pole or another car.

Conversely, I believe that you should be required to have big roof topper that says “I’M AN IDIOT - PLEASE GET OUT OF MY WAY” if you’ve ever plowed into a telephone pole, another car, or a Baskin-Robbins.

I believe that 73% of Americans would buy horse manure if it were in a brightly-colored blister package and had the inscription “As Seen On TV” on the front.

I believe that Faith, Hope, and Charity are great names for girls who don’t plan to start dating until they’re in their late twenties.

I believe that three-quarters of all “talk show” hosts could be replaced by chimpanzees and no one would notice for weeks.

I believe that tiny space aliens have infested my sock drawer.

I believe that there is someone for everyone, if you don’t mind being with some self-absorbed, passive \ aggressive psycho who will suck every last drop of humanity out of you.

I believe that I specifically requested no mustard on my Super-Splendo Burger.

I believe that in America, we have the absolute highest quality consumer items that China can produce.

I believe that my across-the-street, two-doors-down neighbor wants people to watch her riding her exercise cycle in the back corner bedroom with the blinds opened slightly while wearing a skimpy, skin-tight outfit every morning between 9:30 and 10:15.

I believe that no child wants to grow up to be a meteorologist; it just kind of happens that way.

I believe that I have about 25 “Buy Ten Get One Free” Subway punch cards, none of which have more than one punch on them.

And finally, I believe that the enduring spirit and tenacious determination of the human race will one day lead us into utter chaos, destruction and eventual oblivion.

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize, Ascends Into Heaven, and Has Sainthood Bestowed Upon Him, All in One Afternoon

Washington, D.C. - On a day which will go down in history, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and then, after delivering his acceptance speech, raised his arms and was drawn into the heavenly aura, ringed by 10,000 angels. No sooner had the first-term President, and relative unknown until that one speech he gave at that one Democratic circle-jerk, cleared the stratosphere when Pope Benedict XVI announced via Twitter that he was bestowing sainthood on Saint Barack.

“We’ve been waiting for this for like, forever”, gushed Amilie Trucant, president of the N.A.O.P.A.E.E.O., (National Association of People Against Everything Except Obama). Then paused, and added, “well - since January, anyway”.

Equally giddy was former Vice President, now President Joe Biden. “I just want everyone to know”, he said, choking back tears, “that I intend to carry on the legacy of this great man. Well, except for maybe that health care thing. And all the incentives. I mean, come on, somebody’s gonna have to pay for this, right?”

In related news, with Saint Barack’s ascension, Oprah officially became the Most Important Human Being Alive. She celebrated by sending everyone in the world a coupon for 25 cents off an 11 ounce or larger bag of Kit Kat Fun-Sized candy bars.

Things That Really Bug Me: Volume Two

Extra-wide shopping carts:
I gotta believe some guy was strolling down the frozen foods aisle at his local supermarket when the thought occured to him: "You know, what this country needs is an even WIDER shopping cart. It only took me 17 minutes to navigate that obstacle course. I need more of a challenge."

When the waitress doesn't tell you Happy Hour is over:
I'm sorry, but when a beer goes from $2 to $3.75 in the blink of an eye, that first "full-price" baby should come with a flashing neon light or something.

People who let their kids answer their cell phone:
If I wanted to talk to your kid, I'd have called your kid.

Separate shipping and handling charges:
If I'm buying two of the EXACT SAME item, from the EXACT SAME company that will ship from the EXACT SAME warehouse, I am not going to pay separate shipping and handling. Just throw them in the same box, will ya?

Internet posters with the grammar skills of a third grader:
Your or you're? Their or they're? Whose or who's. Nothing says "I'm an uneducated, blathering idiot" like misusing common four and five letter words. Yeah, I know your spell-checker doesn't catch them. Do a little proofreading, huh?

People that try to sing along with the radio when they don't know the lyrics:
You know who you are.

Getting expired coupons in the mail:
It's bad enough that 87% of the mail goes into the trash unopened, but to get something I could actually use, only to find out it expired a week ago Thursday is maddening.

People who use leaf-blowers to clear grass clippings from the sidewalk:
Grab a broom. Chances are, you could use the exercise.

Celebrity endorsements:
Yeah, I'm sure Tony Stewart hits up the Check-N-Go when he's a little short on cash. And Jaclyn Smith wouldn't walk into a Kmart if you had a twelve-gauge shotgun leveled at her spleen.