Holiday Survival Guide For the Workplace

Well, “the holidays” are here again, and if you’re like most people, there are holiday traditions which you will revel in, tolerate, endure, or suffer through at your workplace. I have therefore put together a survival guide to help you deal with all the shenanigans.

Don’t be “that guy” at the office holiday party
There was a time when it was absolutely acceptable to get completely sloshed, dance on the buffet table with a lampshade on your head, and tell the boss off at the office holiday party. Those days are gone. Believe me, everything you do and say at the party will be scrutinized by your higher-ups. And, you don’t get a free pass just because they get more plastered than you. They’re the boss, and you’re not. It’s okay to have a good time and socialize, but you don’t want to hear a symphony of hushed whispers follow you down the hall on the Monday after the party, nor do you want that photo of you doing the “YMCA” with your flashing Rudolph tie wrapped around your head looking like Bret Michaels after an all-nighter to become the most popular screen saver ever.

Put a little thought into your “Secret Santa” gift
Yes, I know, it’s a $10 limit or whatever, but if you take a few minutes to think about it, you can select a nice, practical gift. In my opinion, gift cards are perfectly acceptable as long as they’re something most everyone could use, since some Secret Santa gifts will be selected sight unseen. And, I seriously doubt that Frank (who’s approaching 60) really wants a gift card to the local tanning salon.

Avoid giving “kiss-up” gifts
Secret Santa notwithstanding, you should avoid giving gifts to your superiors unless 1. It’s an accepted practice at your workplace, 2. You give as part of his team, and 3. It’s a tasteful gift. You can kick in on that glass sculpture for his desk, but do not also give him or her anything which is even moderately expensive, or personal. Believe me, if your boss’ wife finds out you gave him that $75 bottle of after shave (or worse, vodka), things will go badly for you.

Show some restraint with the goodies
People will typically bring in homemade cookies, or banana bread, or mint chocolate bark. Before you dive in mouth first, do the math. If there are 24 of a given item, and 12 people in the office, you get two, not six.

Don’t forget why you’re at work
The holidays are not an excuse to take the whole month of December “off”. If you have the vacation time, then take it. Otherwise, there’s work to be done, and you can be assured your co-workers are not interested in taking up the slack while you decorate your cube with candy canes and paper cutout snowmen.

The holidays are not a happy time for everyone
Unfortunately, some people have experienced personal tragedies around the holiday season, and for them this time of year is not all about sleigh bells and eggnog. So, don’t try to cheer them up. If they want to share their story with you, they will.

On the other hand, some people get absolutely giddy over the holidays
And, they get annoyed when you don’t become absolutely giddy too. But, you have to work with them. The phrase suffer fools gladly comes to mind.

Don’t play Christmas music so loud everyone in the office can hear it.
If they want to hear Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, they’ll bring in their own CD. Or, better yet, they’ll listen to it in the car on the way to work.

You don’t have to wear a “holiday” sweater every day
Really. The last day of work before whatever holiday you observe will do.

When it’s all over, it’ll be January
I’ve always hated January. The holidays are over, and all you have to look forward to is about three months of cold weather. And, you’ve still got five months until Memorial Day. But, all things must end, and the holidays are no exception. So steel yourself in advance so you don‘t come dragging in to work on January 2nd wailing and blubbering and making everyone else miserable. Look on the bright side: It’ll be at least another ten and a half months before you have to hear Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer again.

Least Favorite Christmas Gifts for 2010

Well, it appears the holiday season is upon us once again! Halloween is over and now it’s time to plunge headlong into that mindless foray of gratuitous binge-buying known as Christmas shopping! Don’t it just get your adrenalin pumping?

But, you don’t want to get that special someone just anything. And apparently, not everyone can appreciate a South Park sweater featuring Cartman spewing on a fire hydrant. So, I’ve compiled a list of gifts to avoid like that guy pan-handling down by Applebee’s:

* Festive Broccoli & Tofu Log
* Nancy Pelosi Action Figure
* Bag O’ Rattlesnakes
* Paula Deen’s Big Book of Holiday Roadkill Recipes
* Goodbye Kitty Backpack
* All-time Favorite Vuvuzela Christmas Classics CD
* Tinactin Gift Basket
* Amnesia Foam Mattress Topper
* Girls of the Tri-City Methadone Clinic calendar
* Box O’ Rocks
* Do-It-Yourself Home Colonoscopy Kit
* My Little Wharf Rat
* Funniest Moments From C-SPAN DVD box set
* Burlap boxer shorts

And the absolute Least Favorite Christmas Gift for 2010 is:

* Chia Headcheese

No Lindsay Lohan Sightings All Week

Rancho Mirage, CA - As perplexing as it sounds, an extensive investigation has revealed there hasn’t been a single confirmed Lindsay Lohan sighting in over a week.

“No, nothing”, reported long-time neighborhood blabbermouth Elsa Wentworth. “She ran in and grabbed some clothes”, the vodka-swilling, OCD victim said, gesturing over her right shoulder, “and a couple of paperbacks, but that was Tuesday before last. Since then - nothing”.

The development is particularly shocking considering the 24 year-old pseudo-actress and full-time rehab clinic resident’s exploits have been constant fodder for on-line and print tabloids since she first blew a “double-deuce“ after a traffic stop in Santa Monica in 2007. Ardent followers of Ms. Lohan’s often drunken, self-destructive exploits were left to sift through last week’s news, or simply speculate on what new depths the “mean girl” would visit in coming weeks.

“I heard she’s still using drugs”, offered Frieda Vogel, celebrity-worshiping, pathetic shell of a human being. “They’re sneaking it in to her. I mean, c’mon, it’s Lindsay”. “I heard she was into this new Zen yoga kind of thing”, spurted pill abusing, manic-depressive, celebrity-whore Melinda Davies without even being asked. “It’s like Tai Chi, but way cooler”.

“Somebody told me she‘s totally like, blimped-up at Betty Ford, and she‘s going to be doing like, these Nutrisystem commercials”, chimed in some guy named Trent or something, as if anyone cared. “And, she hasn’t updated her Facebook in like, weeks.”

While TMZ is reporting that someone who “looked like” and “could have been” Lindsay was spotted flashing cars on the Redlands Freeway from a Cook Street overpass night before last, as of this moment no independent confirmation has been forthcoming.