Man Inexplicably Hoarding Wire Hangers

Racine, WI – Perched on a kitchen chair, a dizzying array of Gantt and fishbone charts taped to the wall behind him, 32 year old mortgage consultant Craig Degraw shared his vision of the future: a wire, or coat hanger shortage.



“It just makes sense”, he reported to local news correspondent Hillary Broadnax via Zoom. “First it was toilet paper and hand sanitizer, then masks, then meat. How long do you think it’ll be before Americans realize how valuable these babies are”, he continued, waving a gleaming example in front of his laptop camera.



“Just think of the ways you can use them. You can make flower pots and fruit baskets with them. Once unassembled, you can bind a person’s hands behind their back in case they break in to steal your Clorox wipes and potted meat. You can use them as skewers if you want to make sad little smores on your stovetop. You could use one to pop the lock out of someone’s door in case you want to break in and steal their gloves and beef jerky.”



“Yeah, that’s Craig”, reported Degraw’s sister Cyndi Fauxwiller when asked for comment, “he’s not taking this thing too well. He’s got, like, a few thousand stashed in his basement. Every time I talk to him he’s like, “how you doing on wire hangers there?” It’s sad. He’s a sad, sad man right now.”



Degraw continued to delineate his version of society’s descent into utter chaos. He surmised that stretch pants, multivitamins, and frozen burritos would be the next items to disappear from shelves, followed by doorbell cams, tube socks, and Pringles.



At press time Degraw was reportedly checking Amazon for the expected arrival date of his latest order of an additional six “fifty packs”.

Woman Wielding Lint Roller Like a Chainsaw

Gastonia, NC - With all the fervor and gusto she could conjure, local woman Belinda Wirtz frantically assaulted the sleeves of her yuletide sweater with a lint roller, its cylinder spinning at lightening speed as she approached her company Christmas dinner.



“It’s the material”, she sighed as she set about attacking her midriff like a burly lumberjack carving into a ponderosa pine.  “Every single speck of dust in the house just clings to it.” 



“And the dog hair”, she continued exasperated, “Toby has been shedding like there’s no tomorrow” she said, referring to her four-year-old Chow \ Pomeranian mix.  “It’s everywhere”.



After another cycle of running the adhesive implement up and down her pant legs, she huffed and steadied herself, murmuring something about having everything dry cleaned the next time.  “That’s the best I can do at this point”, she mouthed dejectedly, her voice permeated with resignation as she searched for any additional microscopic specks of foreign material before entering the banquet hall.



At press time Wirtz reportedly slipped the magical dust wand to her husband Walt and asked him to “get the shoulders one last time”.

Eli Manning Listed as ‘Confused’ for Sunday’s Game

East Rutherford NY – For the first time in NFL history, a player has been slated as questionable for : “Confusion”.



“I knew it was coming”, reported starting center Jon Halapio. “Last week we were breaking huddle and he asks me the snap count.  I’m like you’re the quarterback, make something up”.



“Dude asked me where the clean towels were the other day after practice”, CB DeAndre Baker said, shaking his head slowly.  “I mean dude been playing here since I was in kindergarten and he gonna ask me?”



Coach Shurmer brushed aside questions regarding the unconventional call and Manning’s reaction.  “He’s a big boy.  He knows how it works.  What he can’t seem to grasp is the difference between a  Cover-2 Beater and a Zone-Weak, Bootleg Strong.”



At press time Manning was reportedly sitting dejectedly in the locker room watching a 24 second loop of his two yard touchdown pass to Victor Cruz in Super Bowl XLVI.