Hello, and welcome back for another edition of Ask Mr. Know-it-all. Something tells me we’ve got a lot of people scratching their heads out there, so let’s get started!
Dear Mr. Know-it-all:
Every year about this time, I have the same question: What day is Easter on this year?
Skyee, age 11
Dear Skyee:
Don’t feel bad. You’d be surprised how many people don’t know how to tell when Easter falls each year. Actually, it’s determined by a number of things like the vernal equinox and the lunar cycle. But my research staff has assured me that this year, Easter falls on a Sunday.
Dear Mr. Know-it-all:
I bought a sporty new car last week, and I love it! I’ve been driving everywhere in it. But this morning when I went out and got in it, it wouldn’t start. It just kept making this annoying grinding noise. Help! What did I do wrong?
Debbie in Des Moines
Dear Debbie:
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds to me like you got a lemon! I hope you kept your receipt, because Mr. Know-it-all thinks this puppy needs to go back to the pound.
Dear Mr. Know-it-all:
My girlfriend and I having been dating about two months. But for the past couple of weeks she seems to be avoiding me. She won’t take or return my calls. And, a friend of mine told me he saw her and another man leaving a swanky restaurant late one evening. What gives?
Seriously Bummed
Dear Bummed:
It sounds to me like your lady just needs some time to herself. If I were you, I’d give it another week. If you still haven’t heard from her, maybe you should go to her place late one evening and surprise her.
Well, that’s all the time Mr. Know-it-all has for this week, but keep sending those brain twisters my way, and I‘ll be back next week to solve all your problems!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Fun on the Cheap
What's that you say? You can't afford to do fun stuff anymore? No golf weekend in Myrtle Beach this year? No Bahamas cruise? Had to sell your week at the timeshare in the Poconos? Well, would you like some cheese with that whine? Don't fret, for I have come up with some - we'll call them alternative ways - to have a bang-up time! On the cheap. Real cheap.
Practical Jokes
Everybody loves a practical joke! Well, except maybe the person being pranked. But, they usually get over it. Eventually. The thing is, you have to keep it fresh. Things like putting shaving cream in a sleeping person's hand then tickling their nose, or jumping out of a big appliance box are so last century. One of my favorite things to do is call someone from a pay phone (yes they still have them!) and pretend to be a deejay from a local radio station. I tell them they've won big prizes, but - they only have nine minutes and 37 seconds to get to the station to claim them (or 10 minutes and 5 seconds, depending on the frequency of the station). Then, I go to the station and wait for them to come sliding into the parking lot sideways, jump out of the car (forgetting to put it into gear the time before last), and run inside. The only thing is, you don't want to be rolling on the ground laughing when they come out, spitting and snarling, and ready to actually hurt someone. I learned that the hard way!
Spying on Your Neighbors
The best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's cheap. You can pick up a serviceable pair of binoculars on Ebay for $6.55, plus shipping and handling. The second best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's easy! All you need is a morbid curiousity and no respect whatsoever for other people's privacy. I kind of fell into it by accident. You know, a curtain left open here, an "intimate" conversation overheard while crouched underneath a bedroom window there. Dressed in flat black.
The Public Library
Hah! Not one person - in all of recorded history - has ever had anything approaching fun in a public library. I just threw that one in to see if you were paying attention.
Falling on the Floor at Dennys
Is an artform. Really. I've seen it all. The "tripping on the rug in the lobby" ploy, the "sliding through the oilslick near the kitchen" gambit, even the "falling backwards off the little mushroom stool" tactic. And the thing is, the thing that'll really sell it is: Sincerity. You have to actually believe you're the victim, and not just some schmuck trying to get a free Moon Over My Hammy.
Housesitting
It used to be that housesitting was something you only did because a friend asked you, and you felt obligated {whiny}, and there was no one else to do it {even whinier}, and the plants will die blah blah this and someone will break in blah blah that. Not now. Not anymore. Now you pray to be asked to housesit. Why? Because for one week you get to pretend to live somewhere else! I mean, have you been watching the news? Whereever you're living now is probably where you'll die! You'll never qualify for a mortgage - even if your credit scores are through the roof, you have 60% to put down, and your uncle has - how should I put it - a vested interest in the mortgage company. Not gonna happen. But - when you housesit - for one week, you get to watch someone else's TV (from their sofa), sleep in someone else's bed, and rummage through someone else's medicine cabinet. I actually have an ad on Craigslist offering to housesit anyone within a 150 mile radius as long as they have Direct TV and a queen-sized or larger bed. And no more than four houseplants.
Practical Jokes
Everybody loves a practical joke! Well, except maybe the person being pranked. But, they usually get over it. Eventually. The thing is, you have to keep it fresh. Things like putting shaving cream in a sleeping person's hand then tickling their nose, or jumping out of a big appliance box are so last century. One of my favorite things to do is call someone from a pay phone (yes they still have them!) and pretend to be a deejay from a local radio station. I tell them they've won big prizes, but - they only have nine minutes and 37 seconds to get to the station to claim them (or 10 minutes and 5 seconds, depending on the frequency of the station). Then, I go to the station and wait for them to come sliding into the parking lot sideways, jump out of the car (forgetting to put it into gear the time before last), and run inside. The only thing is, you don't want to be rolling on the ground laughing when they come out, spitting and snarling, and ready to actually hurt someone. I learned that the hard way!
Spying on Your Neighbors
The best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's cheap. You can pick up a serviceable pair of binoculars on Ebay for $6.55, plus shipping and handling. The second best thing about spying on your neighbors is that it's easy! All you need is a morbid curiousity and no respect whatsoever for other people's privacy. I kind of fell into it by accident. You know, a curtain left open here, an "intimate" conversation overheard while crouched underneath a bedroom window there. Dressed in flat black.
The Public Library
Hah! Not one person - in all of recorded history - has ever had anything approaching fun in a public library. I just threw that one in to see if you were paying attention.
Falling on the Floor at Dennys
Is an artform. Really. I've seen it all. The "tripping on the rug in the lobby" ploy, the "sliding through the oilslick near the kitchen" gambit, even the "falling backwards off the little mushroom stool" tactic. And the thing is, the thing that'll really sell it is: Sincerity. You have to actually believe you're the victim, and not just some schmuck trying to get a free Moon Over My Hammy.
Housesitting
It used to be that housesitting was something you only did because a friend asked you, and you felt obligated {whiny}, and there was no one else to do it {even whinier}, and the plants will die blah blah this and someone will break in blah blah that. Not now. Not anymore. Now you pray to be asked to housesit. Why? Because for one week you get to pretend to live somewhere else! I mean, have you been watching the news? Whereever you're living now is probably where you'll die! You'll never qualify for a mortgage - even if your credit scores are through the roof, you have 60% to put down, and your uncle has - how should I put it - a vested interest in the mortgage company. Not gonna happen. But - when you housesit - for one week, you get to watch someone else's TV (from their sofa), sleep in someone else's bed, and rummage through someone else's medicine cabinet. I actually have an ad on Craigslist offering to housesit anyone within a 150 mile radius as long as they have Direct TV and a queen-sized or larger bed. And no more than four houseplants.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tiger Woods “Sorry”
Ponte Vedra Beach, FL - At one of the most anticipated press conferences in years, and before a hand-picked audience, a visibly shaken Tiger Woods inched to the microphone and uttered but one word: “Sorry”, he said, then cleared his throat nervously and stepped backward, his head bowed slightly.
As the attendees were notified well in advance that there would be no questions, there followed several minutes of awkward silence, punctuated only by an occasional nervous cough, or a shifting of an attendee in their seats. The phenom professional golfer and much sought-after pitchman just stood there, hands by his side, staring blankly off to a far corner of the room.
Finally, about 17 minutes into the “press conference”, Mr. Woods again cleared his throat, stepped back to the microphone and added, “very sorry. What I mean is, I’m very sorry for… everything”. He then mumbled something under his breath about Buick being an “old fart’s ride anyway”, glanced at his watch, then launched into a hearty, full-throated rendition of The Way You Look Tonight, before hurriedly exiting the room.
As the attendees were notified well in advance that there would be no questions, there followed several minutes of awkward silence, punctuated only by an occasional nervous cough, or a shifting of an attendee in their seats. The phenom professional golfer and much sought-after pitchman just stood there, hands by his side, staring blankly off to a far corner of the room.
Finally, about 17 minutes into the “press conference”, Mr. Woods again cleared his throat, stepped back to the microphone and added, “very sorry. What I mean is, I’m very sorry for… everything”. He then mumbled something under his breath about Buick being an “old fart’s ride anyway”, glanced at his watch, then launched into a hearty, full-throated rendition of The Way You Look Tonight, before hurriedly exiting the room.
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