With No Precincts Reporting, CNN Projects Obama Winner

New York, NY - In an unprecedented move, CNN has projected President Obama to be the winner of the 2012 presidential election, without a single vote having been counted.

“I knew we were going to win”, a smiling Amy Oosterhaus of Duluth, Minnesota said.  “I knew it.  And, since CNN has already projected him to win, it means I don’t have to bother going to vote.”

”It’s supposed to be cold and rainy that day”, she added.

When asked how the news agency could project a winner in a race this close when polling places haven’t even opened, a CNN official who requested anonymity responded thusly: “It’s easy.  We’ve looked at pre-polling in four or five counties and districts in toss-up states and through the use of special algorithms, determined Obama will shade Romney enough to pull out the victory.”

"It’s not that difficult”, the source continued, “in fifteen minutes I could tell you the brand of toothpaste you use, the number of sport coats in your closet, and the last time you ordered a pizza online.”

“Americans are pretty predictable”, he concluded.

 

News organizations have traditionally striven to beat the other to the punch, so to speak, in predicting presidential election winners, projecting outcomes with as few as 10 – 15% of the results in, but this is the first time one has gone this far out on a limb.

A Romney campaign spokesman laughed off the prediction, stating Fox News projected Romney the winner Wednesday before last, then – in an obvious bet-hedging move - preemptively alleged vote rigging in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.

A World Not of Our Making

It seems many of us these days have found ourselves in a world which is increasingly alien.  There are strange doings afoot, bizarre and unsettling to our nature.  You can hear it in the voices of our seniors, an unspoken longing for a time which bears little resemblance to present day.  We see it in the eyes of our young parents, once wide-eyed and energetic, now praying for a bolt from the blue to knock them silly, as the peace and solitude of a hospital bed is preferable to their exhausting existence.  We plod through our endless, unfulfilling workday.  At marketplaces, and parks, and places of worship we congregate, occasionally catching another’s gaze, each wondering how much humanity the other has retained. We read the day’s headlines wondering if the world has lost its collective minds.   We stare blankly off into nothingness, wondering how, and when, things went off the rails. 

We increasingly escape into the relative comfort and predictability of some alternate existence, of video games, and virtual reality, and a cyber-verse of avatars where we can be whatever and whomever we like. 

We populate a world in which most of us have ever diminishing amounts of control, however much we want to believe otherwise.  We rage against a machine which draws evermore power from our efforts; we light candle after candle, and still curse the darkness.  We watch, perplexed, as yet another familiar hallmark of our existence spirals off into the void.

Some have become acclimated to this new world quite well actually.  They have prospered and flourished and found their niche.  But this is not a tale of boot-strapping, and adapting, and seeing the glass as perpetually half-full.  Rather this is a testament to those who awakened one day, looked around, and asked, as David Byrne put it: “well, how did I get here?”  Those whose lives no longer seem to be based on a true story.

For them, this world is one of convergence, as fantasy merges with stark reality, past with future, in an odd mesh of tapestry, constantly being rewoven.

This is not the world we want, or remember, or thought we’d inherit, and we feel powerless to change it.  Whether we actually can or not is the subject for another day, for this rumination is about thoughts and feelings, and a hazy, electrified gray cloud which has enveloped us.  This is not your “feel good” story.  Rather, this is a story about a world which we did not create, but must inhabit; a world which bore, and will ultimately consume us.

 
This is a story about surviving, and existing, and getting by with what’s left.

Driving While Stupid: The Graduate Course

Some time back I published an article called A Beginner’s Guide to DWS (Driving While Stupid).  Apparently the article struck a chord, because I’ve noticed more and more of you are driving more and more stupid every day.  Thanks!

But, I get the sense that some of you want to ratchet it up a notch, take it to the next level, so to speak.  So, I’ve come up with the Driving While Stupid Graduate Course:

Wait until the last second to pull out into traffic

Not until you can see the terror in the eyes of the on-coming drivers.

Don’t ever change lanes

Turning left seven or eight miles up the road?  Well, you get into that left lane and don’t move for anything.

Or, change lanes every nine seconds

Just because you can.

Don’t ever use your mirrors

Mirrors are for sissies.

If you absolutely must use your turn signal, wait until you come to a screeching halt before applying

Then, don’t turn it off.

Master the art of extreme tail-gating

The aerodynamic effect will improve gas mileage.

Scream obscenities out the window for no apparent reason

Major moto-cred.

Drag the brakes

As long as that left big toe is resting on the brake pad, other drivers will have no idea when you’re actually going to stop.

Drive it like you stole it

It’s not just a kitschy t-shirt slogan.

New Facebook Likes

As I’m sure most of you have heard, the ubiquitous social networking site Facebook has made several “improvements” lately, the bulk of which have caused significant consternation and aggravation among its users.  Every now and then however, they’ll introduce something the users actually want.  Such was the case recently, as Facebook has – inexplicably – introduced new levels of “liking” something:

Classic like: I support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said.

Marginal like: I pretty much support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said, but I don’t feel like hashing out the finer points.

Lazy like: I pretty much support, agree with, or otherwise am in concurrence with what you just said, but I didn’t read your entire post.  Or much of it at all.

Back-handed like: I “liked” your post because you said your life is stagnant drivel, or that you are pretty much a failure as a living, breathing organism.

Mindless like: I have no idea what you actually posted, but it got a bunch of likes already, so I’m going to like it too.

Obligatory like:  I have no idea what you actually posted, but I haven’t liked any of your posts lately, and I don’t want you to hate me.

Reciprocal like:  I have no idea what you actually posted, but you liked my last post, so I’m returning the favor.

Ulterior motive like: I have no idea what you actually posted, but your profile pic is cute and I want you to message me.

Most recent post like: I just logged on and there you were.

Guilt like: I haven’t “liked” anyone’s posts in months.

Belated like: Yes, I realize this thread has been dormant for three and a half weeks now.  I had stuff to do, ya know?

Every third post like: Ignore, ignore, like, ignore, ignore, like, etc.

 

Inadvertent like: Whoops! I meant to click the “comment” link.

Hillary Clinton Caught Playing Angry Birds During Senate Sub-committee Meeting

Washington D.C. - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was reportedly seen playing the popular on-line game Angry Birds during a Senate Homeland Security sub-committee meeting today, according to fellow committee member Dan Coats (R-IN).

“She was saying, ‘level three, level three, I can feel it’”, Coats said. “I’m sure I speak for other sub-committee members when I say that this is neither the time or place for frivolities of this type. I was embarrassed for her”.

Even fellow Democrat Mary Landrieu (LA) was overheard saying she witnessed Clinton staring intently into her phone, and even did a couple of fist-pumps at one point. “I tried to get her attention, but it was no use”, Landrieu shrugged.

A Clinton spokesman vehemently denied the allegations. “The Secretary of State was in fact responding to a text she received regarding an important foreign relations development which I am not at liberty to discuss here. The alleged fist-pumps were no doubt in response to that news”.

“Besides”, the spokesman continued, “no less than three other sub-committee members were observed playing Words with Friends, and Senator Murkowski (R-AK) was shopping for timeshares in the Bahamas“.

The president responded tersely to the report, reminding everyone that phones are to be turned off during sub-committee proceedings, and that as much as she plays, Clinton should have hit level three months ago.

Like Sheep to the Slaughter

Well, the 2012 Mr. President Contest is officially underway. As I intend to view this charade with utter disgust and cynicism, I can’t give you the inside scoop on anything. Haven’t watched a debate, couldn’t tell you what any of these clowns are pretending to “stand for” this time around.

But, I did catch this. During an exit interview at one of the primaries, a reporter asked a voter, “Who are you supporting?” “Candidate X”, she replied. “Why”, the reporter asked. “Well I didn’t know much about him, but he won today”.

Translation: “I have no idea who this guy is, or what he claims he’ll do if elected, or if he just mowed down everyone on his cul-de-sac with a chainsaw, but a lot of people like him, so I’m going to vote for him”.

And there - in a nutshell - is the single biggest problem with our society: We have become sheep.

Yep, mindless, gullible sheep, with our respective sheep snouts shoved up the anal cleavage of the sheep in front of us, blindly following with no thought as to where we‘re going, or why.

Our sheep-like nature isn’t limited to politics. Oh no, we’ll follow anyone, if we think enough other sheep are. Some athlete pitches this or that brand of deodorant or beef jerky, and sales soar. Some chuckle-head reality TV star is seen carrying a tie-dyed purse, and the shelves empty. Face it, we’re sheep. And - we don’t even attempt to hide it.

I’m not even suggesting this is new. We’ve actually been sheep for some time now. During the 1950’s, Buffalo Bob Smith hosted a very popular TV show called Howdy Doody, who was actually a puppet. Bob wore a cowboy outfit - sort of, and guess what? Sales of cowboy outfits soared. In the early 1960’s, the Beatles took America by storm, and suddenly everything British was in vogue. We’ve been sheep for decades.

If I were very cynical, I might suggest that it’s no accident we’ve lost our ability to think for ourselves. I might suggest that we’ve been conditioned since pre-school to be sheep. After all, a society of sheep - no matter how hackneyed and deserving of ridicule - is a lot easier to control than a society of free-thinkers who will make informed, educated decisions, and demand substance instead of superficiality, results instead of rhetoric.

In a few months, we will elect someone to be our nation’s leader, at a time of deep crisis, probably far more dire than any of us can comprehend. We can choose based on tweets, and image and sound bites. Or we can go to the polls and cast a vote for whomever we think will cause the least amount of damage over the next four years. Or, we can rise up, each in our own way, each in our own voice, and proclaim:

I refuse to be a sheep, I will not be a party to this mockery, and I want my country back.

Now.