Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso - A sports team from the United States has defeated it’s counterpart from some small, obscure African nation in a competition of some kind by a score of 1 - 0.
Reports vary, but the contest in question was likely soccer, although it could have been rugby, or possibly even lacrosse; no one seems to know for sure. Sources at the scene also reported the game or match or whatever it was had to be called prematurely after two of the Burkinabè players were injured by rampaging wild boar.
Allegedly “somewhere near the middle” of Africa, Burkina Faso was previously know as Upper Volta, or Lower Volta, or possibly even just Volta, and is bordered by several equally obscure nations.
The U.S. team now moves on to it’s next challenge; a Jesuit school for orphans from the Azores.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Halloween Costumes to Avoid
So Halloween is just around the corner and you know you’re going to “dress up”, because well, that’s what people do. And, well, you’re going to do it too. Fine. Just, please - for the love of whatever it is you hold sacred - do not wear any of the following:
10. Harry Potter. Always reminded me of that one nerdy kid that was into the chess club and Big Bang Theory and all that other “it’s so uncool, it’s cool“ crap. Newflash: It’s still uncool.
9. Any costume that’s sole purpose is to show more skin. Just go in your underwear; tell everyone you’re Madonna.
8. Vampire - Witch - Werewolf. They’re really all the same costume; mythical, evil persona that used to inspire fear and now only inspires boredom. Yawn.
7. Any political figure. Hey look, I’m Obama, or Richard Nixon, or Sarah Bachmann. Real funny.
6. Couple costumes. À la electrical plug and socket, cop and prisoner, etc. We know you’re a couple, and - you look ridiculous.
5. Mummy. The ultimate lazy person’s costume. Take an old sheet, rip it up into strips and enshroud yourself in it. Real creative.
4. Any uniform. Little league umpire, scrub nurse, crossing guard. We’ve known for years you moonlight, so technically it’s not a costume, is it?
3. That really expensive costume you ordered from lastminutecostumes.com because it seemed like a good idea at the time and you paid $89.95 plus another $20 for overnight shipping and now just makes you look like a total tool.
2. Justin Bieber \ Selena Gomez. You’re 37; get over it.
1. Any Star Wars character. How George Lucas isn’t richer than God by now is beyond me. It was kitschy, cartoonish, pseudo-sci-fi, and the American public lapped it up like pampered house cats sucking down sardine flavored Cool Whip. I once saw a guy actually dressed as Jabba the Hutt. It took two buddies to carry the tail. Way to travel light there, Einstein.
So, if you must “dress up” for Halloween, please select an outfit that’s not a total cliché that’s already been done 20 bazillion times, or one that screams “I found something that’s really unique and I know that because it’s the top seller”. It’s one night, and no one will remember come November 1st.
Boo!
10. Harry Potter. Always reminded me of that one nerdy kid that was into the chess club and Big Bang Theory and all that other “it’s so uncool, it’s cool“ crap. Newflash: It’s still uncool.
9. Any costume that’s sole purpose is to show more skin. Just go in your underwear; tell everyone you’re Madonna.
8. Vampire - Witch - Werewolf. They’re really all the same costume; mythical, evil persona that used to inspire fear and now only inspires boredom. Yawn.
7. Any political figure. Hey look, I’m Obama, or Richard Nixon, or Sarah Bachmann. Real funny.
6. Couple costumes. À la electrical plug and socket, cop and prisoner, etc. We know you’re a couple, and - you look ridiculous.
5. Mummy. The ultimate lazy person’s costume. Take an old sheet, rip it up into strips and enshroud yourself in it. Real creative.
4. Any uniform. Little league umpire, scrub nurse, crossing guard. We’ve known for years you moonlight, so technically it’s not a costume, is it?
3. That really expensive costume you ordered from lastminutecostumes.com because it seemed like a good idea at the time and you paid $89.95 plus another $20 for overnight shipping and now just makes you look like a total tool.
2. Justin Bieber \ Selena Gomez. You’re 37; get over it.
1. Any Star Wars character. How George Lucas isn’t richer than God by now is beyond me. It was kitschy, cartoonish, pseudo-sci-fi, and the American public lapped it up like pampered house cats sucking down sardine flavored Cool Whip. I once saw a guy actually dressed as Jabba the Hutt. It took two buddies to carry the tail. Way to travel light there, Einstein.
So, if you must “dress up” for Halloween, please select an outfit that’s not a total cliché that’s already been done 20 bazillion times, or one that screams “I found something that’s really unique and I know that because it’s the top seller”. It’s one night, and no one will remember come November 1st.
Boo!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Top 10 Bad Horror Movie Clichés
As a kid I loved watching horror movies. I also loved The Monkees and Cap’n Crunch cereal, so it‘s not like I was incredibly discriminating. Nowadays I just can’t enjoy horror movies, mostly because I’m too busy playing horror movie cliché bingo to actually enjoy the “plot“ {snicker}. But apparently predictability sells, so who am I to argue?
Nonetheless, I’ve complied a list of the most prolific horror movie clichés for your perusal. And, I’ve abbreviated the terms intended victim (IV) and bad guy (BG) because studies have shown that most people won’t read articles over 400 words long:
10. It’s always a full moon, so you can still see the terror in the IV’s eyes after the BG cuts the power.
9. The ditzy, reckless, buffoon is always the first to get sliced and diced.
8. The IV always inexplicably runs away from a safe, well-lit location into the woods, or cemetery or abandoned factory.
7. Ominous music always swells just before the BG strikes - except for that one time - just to tease you.
6. There’s always at least one camera sequence from the BG’s eye-view, typically rising slowly into a window or from the rafters of the abandoned factory.
5. The IV always screams out, “Why don’t you leave us alone!”, a rhetorical question if ever there was one.
4. The local law enforcement figure - usually a deputy or sheriff - is always wearing a jacket, even if it’s mid-August.
3. The IV always loses cell phone service just as the BG is about to strike - even if they’re in midtown Manhattan.
2. Movie always ends with some omen that the BG will return - even if he was shot, burned to a crisp, stuffed into a wood chipper, and impaled with the bumper from a ‘63 Chevy Impala.
And the number one horror movie cliché:
1. If Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it, you’re guaranteed cleavage.
Nonetheless, I’ve complied a list of the most prolific horror movie clichés for your perusal. And, I’ve abbreviated the terms intended victim (IV) and bad guy (BG) because studies have shown that most people won’t read articles over 400 words long:
10. It’s always a full moon, so you can still see the terror in the IV’s eyes after the BG cuts the power.
9. The ditzy, reckless, buffoon is always the first to get sliced and diced.
8. The IV always inexplicably runs away from a safe, well-lit location into the woods, or cemetery or abandoned factory.
7. Ominous music always swells just before the BG strikes - except for that one time - just to tease you.
6. There’s always at least one camera sequence from the BG’s eye-view, typically rising slowly into a window or from the rafters of the abandoned factory.
5. The IV always screams out, “Why don’t you leave us alone!”, a rhetorical question if ever there was one.
4. The local law enforcement figure - usually a deputy or sheriff - is always wearing a jacket, even if it’s mid-August.
3. The IV always loses cell phone service just as the BG is about to strike - even if they’re in midtown Manhattan.
2. Movie always ends with some omen that the BG will return - even if he was shot, burned to a crisp, stuffed into a wood chipper, and impaled with the bumper from a ‘63 Chevy Impala.
And the number one horror movie cliché:
1. If Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it, you’re guaranteed cleavage.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Congress Proclaims Monopoly Money Legal Tender
Washington, D.C. - Having proven themselves utterly incompetent to solve the budget crisis, lower unemployment, or successfully complete any task more complex than tossing the car keys to a valet at some exclusive Bethesda nightclub, the elected representatives of the United States of America’s federal government have had a collective “hit the mascot between the eyes” epiphany and declared the currency of a popular board game to be equal to real, actual money.
Michigan Senator Carl Levin made the announcement, having won the honor by beating out two other senators or representatives or something in a marathon best-of-seven game of rock - paper - scissors.
“You heard right“, a beaming Levin said from the Capitol steps. “As of this moment every American household with a Monopoly game set is $15,140 richer. Unless they’ve lost some of the money. But - even then - they’re richer than when they woke up this morning”.
The news sent millions of Americans scrambling to their attics, basements, and junk drawers in search of the multi-colored currency, which until today was synonymous with worthlessness.
For now, it appears the big winner is 27 year old Brandon Goforth, a part-time Wal-Mart employee from Norman, Oklahoma. “I totally snagged 19 sets off the floor before anyone knew what was happening. I’ve got, like, a million dollars or something.” Goforth, who admits he was never that good at math, said he intends to pay off his 2009 Kia Rio, then “dive into some serious off-the-hook swag”.
When asked how much this influx of faux loot would further weaken the already anemic dollar, Levin referred questions to congressional page Seth Dunleavy who reported it was “somewhere North” of 25%. When asked to elaborate, Dunleavy pointed at a reporter‘s shoes. “Those Kenneth Coles you plunked down one-twenty for will cost $350 tomorrow”.
At the urging of President Obama, who was reportedly “more than a little interested” in learning how this legislation got passed without his knowledge, Hasbro has agreed to add the inscription “non-negotiable” to the game’s banknotes going forward.
Michigan Senator Carl Levin made the announcement, having won the honor by beating out two other senators or representatives or something in a marathon best-of-seven game of rock - paper - scissors.
“You heard right“, a beaming Levin said from the Capitol steps. “As of this moment every American household with a Monopoly game set is $15,140 richer. Unless they’ve lost some of the money. But - even then - they’re richer than when they woke up this morning”.
The news sent millions of Americans scrambling to their attics, basements, and junk drawers in search of the multi-colored currency, which until today was synonymous with worthlessness.
For now, it appears the big winner is 27 year old Brandon Goforth, a part-time Wal-Mart employee from Norman, Oklahoma. “I totally snagged 19 sets off the floor before anyone knew what was happening. I’ve got, like, a million dollars or something.” Goforth, who admits he was never that good at math, said he intends to pay off his 2009 Kia Rio, then “dive into some serious off-the-hook swag”.
When asked how much this influx of faux loot would further weaken the already anemic dollar, Levin referred questions to congressional page Seth Dunleavy who reported it was “somewhere North” of 25%. When asked to elaborate, Dunleavy pointed at a reporter‘s shoes. “Those Kenneth Coles you plunked down one-twenty for will cost $350 tomorrow”.
At the urging of President Obama, who was reportedly “more than a little interested” in learning how this legislation got passed without his knowledge, Hasbro has agreed to add the inscription “non-negotiable” to the game’s banknotes going forward.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Top 10 Ways to Beat the Heat
Well the dog days are here once more. Actually, I have no idea why they’re called the dog days, and to tell you the truth I don’t have the motivation to look it up. It’s just too hot. So, here are some suggestions to help you deal with the heat:
10. Strip down to underwear, lie face down on linoleum floor
9. Change PC and phone background to snowy landscape
8. More cold salads, fewer habanero chili dishes
7. Beer - lots and lots of beer
6. Set up mist tent with motion sensor in bathroom
5. Put “Miracle on 34th Street” on endless loop
4. Drive through car wash with windows down
3. Replace thermometers with ones which display Celsius
2. Plug ears and run screaming whenever someone mentions the heat
And the #1 way to beat the heat:
1. Freezer pop underwear
10. Strip down to underwear, lie face down on linoleum floor
9. Change PC and phone background to snowy landscape
8. More cold salads, fewer habanero chili dishes
7. Beer - lots and lots of beer
6. Set up mist tent with motion sensor in bathroom
5. Put “Miracle on 34th Street” on endless loop
4. Drive through car wash with windows down
3. Replace thermometers with ones which display Celsius
2. Plug ears and run screaming whenever someone mentions the heat
And the #1 way to beat the heat:
1. Freezer pop underwear
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Things That Still Work
People love to talk about things that are broken. Stuff that just doesn’t work anymore. And, if you take a minute to look around, you’ll find lots of things that don’t work anymore. A quick inventory included anything any level of government is in any way involved in, “Obama is a foreigner” conspiracy theories, the dog-and-pony shows that pass for elections, and 87% of pay phones.
But, rather than dwell on our failures, I propose we recognize and (in most cases) embrace things that still work:
The Internet:
Yes, it’s flawed; it’s saturated with annoying ads, and there are cyber-snakes hiding behind every URL and link. In order to fully appreciate the internet, one would had to have grown up in an era when if you wanted to know the population of Madagascar, or the lifetime batting average of the Cleveland Indians you’d have to trudge to the public library, find a reference book the size of a mini-fridge and look it up. If you wanted to know what the weather was going to be like the next day, you’d have to stay up and watch the eleven o’clock news. Now, with the click of a mouse, one can have the greater part of the collective knowledge of humankind at their fingertips. And, for now anyway - it’s free.
Duct Tape:
Usually misspelled duck tape, it’s still as sticky as the day it was invented, and has found thousands of useful applications.
Compassion:
If we’re defining working here as achieving the desired results, then compassion still fits the bill. The ability to empathize and care about another human being is a mutually beneficial situation, and as long as that is the case, compassion still works.
Listening:
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. We love to talk. We love to hear ourselves talk. But, all the talking is for naught if no one is listening. And listening is a lost art. Listening for nuances, for intonation, for what‘s not being said. Listening to capture the essence and message of what’s being communicated. Listening can be a powerful thing.
Deceit:
Manipulation of the truth for one’s greater gain has been with us since the dawn of man and, sadly, is still practiced successfully every day.
Volunteerism:
In good times and bad, we’ve demonstrated that we will cheerfully and enthusiastically give of ourselves for the sake of giving, expecting nothing in return. My hat’s off to those of you who choose to do so.
My 1960’s Vintage Canary Yellow Osterizer Galaxie Dual-speed Blender:
Made in the U.S.A. baby!
But, rather than dwell on our failures, I propose we recognize and (in most cases) embrace things that still work:
The Internet:
Yes, it’s flawed; it’s saturated with annoying ads, and there are cyber-snakes hiding behind every URL and link. In order to fully appreciate the internet, one would had to have grown up in an era when if you wanted to know the population of Madagascar, or the lifetime batting average of the Cleveland Indians you’d have to trudge to the public library, find a reference book the size of a mini-fridge and look it up. If you wanted to know what the weather was going to be like the next day, you’d have to stay up and watch the eleven o’clock news. Now, with the click of a mouse, one can have the greater part of the collective knowledge of humankind at their fingertips. And, for now anyway - it’s free.
Duct Tape:
Usually misspelled duck tape, it’s still as sticky as the day it was invented, and has found thousands of useful applications.
Compassion:
If we’re defining working here as achieving the desired results, then compassion still fits the bill. The ability to empathize and care about another human being is a mutually beneficial situation, and as long as that is the case, compassion still works.
Listening:
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. We love to talk. We love to hear ourselves talk. But, all the talking is for naught if no one is listening. And listening is a lost art. Listening for nuances, for intonation, for what‘s not being said. Listening to capture the essence and message of what’s being communicated. Listening can be a powerful thing.
Deceit:
Manipulation of the truth for one’s greater gain has been with us since the dawn of man and, sadly, is still practiced successfully every day.
Volunteerism:
In good times and bad, we’ve demonstrated that we will cheerfully and enthusiastically give of ourselves for the sake of giving, expecting nothing in return. My hat’s off to those of you who choose to do so.
My 1960’s Vintage Canary Yellow Osterizer Galaxie Dual-speed Blender:
Made in the U.S.A. baby!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
China Demands Three U.S. States as Collateral
Beijing, China - As a hedge against the growing trade imbalance, the People’s Republic of China announced it wants “administrative and fiduciary control” of three U.S. states.
“Just to keep everyone honest”, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said at a news conference earlier today.
He then related an ancient Chinese proverb involving a monkey, a deaf mule, and a mango orchard to illustrate his point, but the analogy was largely lost on his audience.
The difference between imports to, and exports from China, the trade imbalance was 273 billion USD for 2010 alone. China also holds an estimated 1.3 trillion in U.S. debt. As the figures kept inching up economists and lawmakers feared the worst, but no one foresaw this.
President Obama down-played the significance of the report. “My political adversaries would have you think we just gave the Chinese three American states”, the President said, chuckling. “Nothing could be further from the truth. And, even if it were, we still have, what - forty some left?”
While there has been no official word on the states allegedly impacted, aircraft with Chinese markings have been sighted over Honolulu, street signs in Modesto, California have been re-painted with both English and Chinese lettering, and Alaska governor Sean Parnell posted a recipe for General Tso’s Chicken on his website.
In related news, Mexican President Felipe Calderón Hinojosa has made inquiries into how big the trade imbalance with his country would have to be for them to get Texas back.
“Just to keep everyone honest”, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said at a news conference earlier today.
He then related an ancient Chinese proverb involving a monkey, a deaf mule, and a mango orchard to illustrate his point, but the analogy was largely lost on his audience.
The difference between imports to, and exports from China, the trade imbalance was 273 billion USD for 2010 alone. China also holds an estimated 1.3 trillion in U.S. debt. As the figures kept inching up economists and lawmakers feared the worst, but no one foresaw this.
President Obama down-played the significance of the report. “My political adversaries would have you think we just gave the Chinese three American states”, the President said, chuckling. “Nothing could be further from the truth. And, even if it were, we still have, what - forty some left?”
While there has been no official word on the states allegedly impacted, aircraft with Chinese markings have been sighted over Honolulu, street signs in Modesto, California have been re-painted with both English and Chinese lettering, and Alaska governor Sean Parnell posted a recipe for General Tso’s Chicken on his website.
In related news, Mexican President Felipe Calderón Hinojosa has made inquiries into how big the trade imbalance with his country would have to be for them to get Texas back.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I Am, Therefore I Write
Every once in awhile I like to step out from behind the curtain and write something first person. Long-time readers will know what I mean; it’s actually me, and not some persona I’ve invented to be the catalyst for whatever message I’m attempting to bore you with on that particular day.
So it is that on this particular day I’ve chosen to bore you with how I came to write.
First, I should present my credentials. Herewith is the sum and total of my qualifications: one creative writing class in 11th grade. Yep, that’s it. We got dual grades; one for content and the other for grammar and punctuation, and I always got an A over a D minus. So, from a purely technical standpoint, I’m not qualified to do what I do. Sue me.
Not counting “required reading” in school, I probably haven’t read more than a couple hundred books in my lifetime. Which sounds like a lot, but really isn’t considering the number of years since I learned how to read. I’ve read Kurt Vonnegut and Erica Jong and Phillip Roth and Tom Clancy, and The Ballad of John and Yoko, and The Coming Crisis of Western Civilization, and a dozen or so books on astrophysics, but not a whole lot else.
My dry sense of humor can be attributed to Mad Magazine, which I devoured as a pre-teen, and National Lampoon some years later. I have 12 chapters of a novel I began writing at age 19 packed away in storage. Unfortunately, it’s three re-writes of the same four chapters. Or, maybe it’s four re-writes of the same three chapters; I don‘t remember exactly. I do, however, remember it not being very good.
Why do it then? What exactly is the point? Must there be a point?
I have no idea. I can tell you this: I do it because I like to do it. And, I suppose that should be enough. But that’s not the only reason I do it. I do it because my TV gets 957 channels and right now there’s nothing on I care to watch; because I couldn’t care less which YouTube video got the most views today; and because I believe that we as a society have lost our collective soul. I do it because I believe I have crested a hill, and on the down slope the view is much different, and I am nagged by the sense that if we do nothing else we should at least attempt to leave a footprint of some kind, for however long it lasts. If I were born 10,000 years earlier it would probably have been an etching of a bison on a cave wall.
So, I write. You can write too. Or, you can do something else, or - nothing at all. It really doesn’t matter.
Or, maybe it does.
So it is that on this particular day I’ve chosen to bore you with how I came to write.
First, I should present my credentials. Herewith is the sum and total of my qualifications: one creative writing class in 11th grade. Yep, that’s it. We got dual grades; one for content and the other for grammar and punctuation, and I always got an A over a D minus. So, from a purely technical standpoint, I’m not qualified to do what I do. Sue me.
Not counting “required reading” in school, I probably haven’t read more than a couple hundred books in my lifetime. Which sounds like a lot, but really isn’t considering the number of years since I learned how to read. I’ve read Kurt Vonnegut and Erica Jong and Phillip Roth and Tom Clancy, and The Ballad of John and Yoko, and The Coming Crisis of Western Civilization, and a dozen or so books on astrophysics, but not a whole lot else.
My dry sense of humor can be attributed to Mad Magazine, which I devoured as a pre-teen, and National Lampoon some years later. I have 12 chapters of a novel I began writing at age 19 packed away in storage. Unfortunately, it’s three re-writes of the same four chapters. Or, maybe it’s four re-writes of the same three chapters; I don‘t remember exactly. I do, however, remember it not being very good.
Why do it then? What exactly is the point? Must there be a point?
I have no idea. I can tell you this: I do it because I like to do it. And, I suppose that should be enough. But that’s not the only reason I do it. I do it because my TV gets 957 channels and right now there’s nothing on I care to watch; because I couldn’t care less which YouTube video got the most views today; and because I believe that we as a society have lost our collective soul. I do it because I believe I have crested a hill, and on the down slope the view is much different, and I am nagged by the sense that if we do nothing else we should at least attempt to leave a footprint of some kind, for however long it lasts. If I were born 10,000 years earlier it would probably have been an etching of a bison on a cave wall.
So, I write. You can write too. Or, you can do something else, or - nothing at all. It really doesn’t matter.
Or, maybe it does.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Phrases That Spell Trouble
“Would like a word with you”
No one that wants a word with you just wants a word with you.
“Allegedly”
Okay, it’s not technically a phrase, but it bespeaks evil of some sort. No one allegedly won a community service award or rescued a cat from a burning house.
“Sought for questioning”
If someone is A) looking for you, and B) wants to ask you questions, it’s never a good sign.
“You are hereby ordered”
The only time this phrase is followed by anything good is on a greeting card, as in “You are hereby ordered to have a bang-up time on your birthday!” (or Bar Mitzvah, or in-ground pool christening).
“The next thing I knew”
This implies something unexpected happened very suddenly. Never good.
“Declined comment”
If you have nothing to say, you may as well spray-paint the words “guilty as original sin” across your back.
“It’s not you…”
Anyone care to guess what this phrase means? Anyone? That’s right - it means it IS you!”
“Vacate the premises”
What’s the number for U-Haul?
“This is going to hurt like hell”
Self-explanatory.
“Turn around and place your hands behind your back”.
Unless your significant other enjoys role-playing, this is a bad, bad thing.
“Was that supposed to be funny?”
If so, someone didn’t find it amusing. At all.
“But thanks for coming in”
You didn’t get the job \ loan \ parole.
“He don’t look that tough to me”
The reason he don’t look that tough to you is because you’re drunk. Sit down and shut up or you’ll wake up in an ambulance with one or more of your internal organs in a cooler at your feet.
“Affected area”
It’s either a rash or a radiation leak.
“Did you forget where you live?”
Here again, no one really forgets where they live. For more than an hour or so anyway. This phase is a clear indication that you have violated your curfew - by a tremendous margin - and will pay a horrible price for your transgression.
“Cautiously optimistic”
You’re screwed.
No one that wants a word with you just wants a word with you.
“Allegedly”
Okay, it’s not technically a phrase, but it bespeaks evil of some sort. No one allegedly won a community service award or rescued a cat from a burning house.
“Sought for questioning”
If someone is A) looking for you, and B) wants to ask you questions, it’s never a good sign.
“You are hereby ordered”
The only time this phrase is followed by anything good is on a greeting card, as in “You are hereby ordered to have a bang-up time on your birthday!” (or Bar Mitzvah, or in-ground pool christening).
“The next thing I knew”
This implies something unexpected happened very suddenly. Never good.
“Declined comment”
If you have nothing to say, you may as well spray-paint the words “guilty as original sin” across your back.
“It’s not you…”
Anyone care to guess what this phrase means? Anyone? That’s right - it means it IS you!”
“Vacate the premises”
What’s the number for U-Haul?
“This is going to hurt like hell”
Self-explanatory.
“Turn around and place your hands behind your back”.
Unless your significant other enjoys role-playing, this is a bad, bad thing.
“Was that supposed to be funny?”
If so, someone didn’t find it amusing. At all.
“But thanks for coming in”
You didn’t get the job \ loan \ parole.
“He don’t look that tough to me”
The reason he don’t look that tough to you is because you’re drunk. Sit down and shut up or you’ll wake up in an ambulance with one or more of your internal organs in a cooler at your feet.
“Affected area”
It’s either a rash or a radiation leak.
“Did you forget where you live?”
Here again, no one really forgets where they live. For more than an hour or so anyway. This phase is a clear indication that you have violated your curfew - by a tremendous margin - and will pay a horrible price for your transgression.
“Cautiously optimistic”
You’re screwed.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Things That Really Bug Me: Volume Three
Theme Week on Facebook:
It’s wild animal week! Change your profile pic to an armadillo or something!
“Fun-sized” candy bars:
Since when is .125 ounces of anything “fun-sized“? A candy bar the size of my foot, now that’s fun-sized.
People Who Run the Waitress Ragged:
If you absolutely must have a glass of water (with lemon), a side of ranch dressing, a clean spoon (which you won‘t even use), extra napkins, the calorie count for the cheesy fries, a saucer, more ranch dressing, the dessert menu, a to-go box, and the cute bartender’s phone number, could you ask for more than one at a time?
Commercials at the Movies:
I just plunked down $10.75 for a ticket and they sneak in three minutes of Coke, Audi, and Century 21 ads.
Terms of Service:
Those are the things you click on the little box to say you’ve read and understand, except you didn’t and don’t.
“Obama wants you to” ads:
Apparently our president, on top of everything else he has to do, has found time to urge me to re-finance my mortgage, go back to school, and picket Tea Party meetings.
Bing:
Want me to use your search engine? Stop shoving it down my throat.
Mismatched socks:
And now you can buy them already mismatched. Let that sink in a few seconds.
Game Requests on Facebook:
No thanks, I really don’t care to play Citytownfarmfrontiersvillelandworld.
Jewelry Ads:
“You know you’re going to buy her that shiny, over-priced rock set in that shiny, over-priced piece of metal”, a husky, male voice intones, “because you don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if her girlfriend gets one and she doesn’t”.
People Who Park in the Fire Lane:
They always slink down in the seat. Like no one is going to notice that car juxtaposed over those diagonal yellow lines.
Asking a “Yes or No” Question and Getting a Seven-Minute Treatise in Response:
Can I get this in steel blue? Were you in the middle of something? Did I really run over your foot? Yes. Or. No.
It’s wild animal week! Change your profile pic to an armadillo or something!
“Fun-sized” candy bars:
Since when is .125 ounces of anything “fun-sized“? A candy bar the size of my foot, now that’s fun-sized.
People Who Run the Waitress Ragged:
If you absolutely must have a glass of water (with lemon), a side of ranch dressing, a clean spoon (which you won‘t even use), extra napkins, the calorie count for the cheesy fries, a saucer, more ranch dressing, the dessert menu, a to-go box, and the cute bartender’s phone number, could you ask for more than one at a time?
Commercials at the Movies:
I just plunked down $10.75 for a ticket and they sneak in three minutes of Coke, Audi, and Century 21 ads.
Terms of Service:
Those are the things you click on the little box to say you’ve read and understand, except you didn’t and don’t.
“Obama wants you to” ads:
Apparently our president, on top of everything else he has to do, has found time to urge me to re-finance my mortgage, go back to school, and picket Tea Party meetings.
Bing:
Want me to use your search engine? Stop shoving it down my throat.
Mismatched socks:
And now you can buy them already mismatched. Let that sink in a few seconds.
Game Requests on Facebook:
No thanks, I really don’t care to play Citytownfarmfrontiersvillelandworld.
Jewelry Ads:
“You know you’re going to buy her that shiny, over-priced rock set in that shiny, over-priced piece of metal”, a husky, male voice intones, “because you don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if her girlfriend gets one and she doesn’t”.
People Who Park in the Fire Lane:
They always slink down in the seat. Like no one is going to notice that car juxtaposed over those diagonal yellow lines.
Asking a “Yes or No” Question and Getting a Seven-Minute Treatise in Response:
Can I get this in steel blue? Were you in the middle of something? Did I really run over your foot? Yes. Or. No.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Medicate Me
As previously noted, I don’t much care for TV commercials. I’ll change the channel, or mute the sound, but every now and again, the remote is just that far out of reach, and I am subjected to 45 seconds of vacant propaganda. Such was the case this past evening. The pitch was for some drug I’d never heard of, Eklastia, or something. I don’t even remember what it’s for. People who experience uncontrollable urges to break into Broadway show tunes or something.
But it’s the side effects that I don’t get. This particular one listed the following:
* Dry mouth
* Swollen feet
* Thoughts of mayhem
* Sweaty palms
* Blurred vision
* Uncontrollable bowel
* Urge to launch into diatribe against Nancy Grace to no one in particular
* Webbed fingers
* Tinnitus
* Delusions of grandeur, including but not limited to, thinking oneself to be a deposed Nigerian king
* Compulsive urge to count backwards from 1,182 by three’s
* Itchy scalp
* Excessive ebullience
* Unexplainable desire to walk up to complete strangers, pull them off to one side and whisper “They‘ve broken the code. Revert to the alphabet soup encryption scheme immediately. Pass it on.”
* Hallucinogenic visions involving gigantic amphibians and flying pizza boxes
* Uncontrollable urge to break into Broadway show tunes
Oh yeah, where do I sign up for that? I can’t believe people take this stuff voluntarily.
On that note, if one more E.D. commercial instructs me to “ask my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex”, I will actually do it. I’m serious. I anticipate the conversation will go something like this:
“Listen, doc, sorry to bother you, but I have a feeling one of those ‘special moments’ is on the horizon. Yeah. Tonight, probably. Or maybe, I don’t know. Because she kind of brushed up against me in the hallway, and then she gave me this look. Whadaya mean, “describe the look?“ It was- a look. Wearing? I don’t know what she was wearing. Anyway, I was just wondering if I was healthy enough for sex. I’m not? Why? Okay, but other than that? Really? Are you sure? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It could? Yeah, but, what are the odds? Seriously, that high?”
On second thought, I’m going to pass on asking the doctor. Sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss.
But it’s the side effects that I don’t get. This particular one listed the following:
* Dry mouth
* Swollen feet
* Thoughts of mayhem
* Sweaty palms
* Blurred vision
* Uncontrollable bowel
* Urge to launch into diatribe against Nancy Grace to no one in particular
* Webbed fingers
* Tinnitus
* Delusions of grandeur, including but not limited to, thinking oneself to be a deposed Nigerian king
* Compulsive urge to count backwards from 1,182 by three’s
* Itchy scalp
* Excessive ebullience
* Unexplainable desire to walk up to complete strangers, pull them off to one side and whisper “They‘ve broken the code. Revert to the alphabet soup encryption scheme immediately. Pass it on.”
* Hallucinogenic visions involving gigantic amphibians and flying pizza boxes
* Uncontrollable urge to break into Broadway show tunes
Oh yeah, where do I sign up for that? I can’t believe people take this stuff voluntarily.
On that note, if one more E.D. commercial instructs me to “ask my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex”, I will actually do it. I’m serious. I anticipate the conversation will go something like this:
“Listen, doc, sorry to bother you, but I have a feeling one of those ‘special moments’ is on the horizon. Yeah. Tonight, probably. Or maybe, I don’t know. Because she kind of brushed up against me in the hallway, and then she gave me this look. Whadaya mean, “describe the look?“ It was- a look. Wearing? I don’t know what she was wearing. Anyway, I was just wondering if I was healthy enough for sex. I’m not? Why? Okay, but other than that? Really? Are you sure? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It could? Yeah, but, what are the odds? Seriously, that high?”
On second thought, I’m going to pass on asking the doctor. Sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Super Bowl XLV Half-time Show to Feature Intentional Wardrobe Malfunction
Dallas, TX - Citing sagging TV ratings and the looming lockout for the 2011 NFL season, Super Bowl committee spokesman Hal Wimbush announced today that the committee has decided to stage an intentional “wardrobe malfunction” during the half-time show of Super Bowl XLV.
“We’re talking full areola”, Wimbush added with a wink. “Maybe two.”
Fox Network spokesman Biff Shorn defended the committee’s decision. “This is America,” Shorn said, “and in America, we pretty much like breasts.” Shorn admitted Fox Network will have to “bite the pillow” with regards to the fine which the FCC will inevitably impose. “We’ve already crunched the digits” he said, shrugging. “Nips sell. What do you want me to say?”
Not everyone is enamored with the news, however. “To intentionally expose a woman’s breast on national television before an audience of millions for the sake of ratings is an affront to decency and degrading to women everywhere” spat Heidi Huffleman, spokesperson for SVBEAW, or Stop Violence and Breast Exposure Against Women. “My God”, she continued stiffly, “people will be trying to eat during half-time.”
Some will remember the “accidental” split-second wardrobe malfunction from the Super Bowl XXXVIII half-time show, which was the undeniable swan song for Justin Timberlake’s career, but propelled Janet Jackson into a three month resurgence which has long since nose-dived into oblivion. Wimbush vowed this “northern exposure” would last considerably longer. “We’re still tweaking the aperture”, he noted. “Don’t hold me to anything, but it’ll be long enough for everyone to get a good wide-screen, high-definition look.”
A spokesman for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell reported that the commissioner has “made his position crystal clear” on what is already being termed “Milkgate”. Mr. Goodell will have a bird’s-eye view from his luxury skybox, on the fifty yard line.
While Wimbush would not divulge the identity of the woman whose breast will likely become the most downloaded, posted, and snickered over in history, he did rule out Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, who are to perform prior to the “nip-slip”.
“Wanted too much money”, Wimbush added with a scowl.
Among those rumored to be the “teat treat” are Katy Perry, Vivian Fox, and Rachael Uchitel, although a feverish write-in campaign for Betty White is already in the works.
Wimbush would not comment on rumors of a planned goat sacrifice for the Super Bowl XLVI half-time show.
“We’re talking full areola”, Wimbush added with a wink. “Maybe two.”
Fox Network spokesman Biff Shorn defended the committee’s decision. “This is America,” Shorn said, “and in America, we pretty much like breasts.” Shorn admitted Fox Network will have to “bite the pillow” with regards to the fine which the FCC will inevitably impose. “We’ve already crunched the digits” he said, shrugging. “Nips sell. What do you want me to say?”
Not everyone is enamored with the news, however. “To intentionally expose a woman’s breast on national television before an audience of millions for the sake of ratings is an affront to decency and degrading to women everywhere” spat Heidi Huffleman, spokesperson for SVBEAW, or Stop Violence and Breast Exposure Against Women. “My God”, she continued stiffly, “people will be trying to eat during half-time.”
Some will remember the “accidental” split-second wardrobe malfunction from the Super Bowl XXXVIII half-time show, which was the undeniable swan song for Justin Timberlake’s career, but propelled Janet Jackson into a three month resurgence which has long since nose-dived into oblivion. Wimbush vowed this “northern exposure” would last considerably longer. “We’re still tweaking the aperture”, he noted. “Don’t hold me to anything, but it’ll be long enough for everyone to get a good wide-screen, high-definition look.”
A spokesman for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell reported that the commissioner has “made his position crystal clear” on what is already being termed “Milkgate”. Mr. Goodell will have a bird’s-eye view from his luxury skybox, on the fifty yard line.
While Wimbush would not divulge the identity of the woman whose breast will likely become the most downloaded, posted, and snickered over in history, he did rule out Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, who are to perform prior to the “nip-slip”.
“Wanted too much money”, Wimbush added with a scowl.
Among those rumored to be the “teat treat” are Katy Perry, Vivian Fox, and Rachael Uchitel, although a feverish write-in campaign for Betty White is already in the works.
Wimbush would not comment on rumors of a planned goat sacrifice for the Super Bowl XLVI half-time show.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Spam Volume Down; Unresponsive Recipients to Blame
A number of sources, from Time.com to NerdNewz are reporting that “spam”, or unsolicited e-mail traffic, has dropped to an alarming low, and that apathetic recipients are to blame.
“Believe it or not, it costs money to e-mail this crap to you”, reported a man who would only provide his screen name sLiThEr909 from an undisclosed location. “You think we just crank this stuff out from a notebook in our apartment? It takes hardware. Routers. Integrated servers. We got overhead.”
“Now that I think about it, I haven’t gotten a refi offer, or on-line dating solicitation e-mail in weeks”, reported Lucy Howard, from an internet cafe in Evansville, Illinois. “And only a handful of credit counseling and fat-burning pill offers.”
“I thought I’d finally gotten my spam filter dialed in”, Fort Worth high school basketball coach and biology teacher Phil Blount commented. “But they’re just sending less?”
“How about that”, he added, before walking away, almost forlornly.
“Every entrepreneur, even slime bags such as these, look at the bottom line”, said Brian Richardson, CEO of SpamNoMore, a spam-blocking software producer. “If people aren’t clicking on their e-mail offers, they’ll look for other ways to annoy the hell out of you.” Mr. Richardson then produced his phone, displaying ads for penny auctions and colon-cleansing remedies.
“But, you still need this spam-blocker software”, he quickly added, stuffing the phone back into his pocket. “Spam-Away II releases later this month, only $29.95.”
“Look, we know things are tough all over”, sLiThEr909 continued. “But don’t even try to tell me you don’t have a few bucks lying around for some fake Viagra or bogus work-from-home scam.”
“I’ve seen what you people drop on Yankees bling and Taylor Swift CDs.”
“Believe it or not, it costs money to e-mail this crap to you”, reported a man who would only provide his screen name sLiThEr909 from an undisclosed location. “You think we just crank this stuff out from a notebook in our apartment? It takes hardware. Routers. Integrated servers. We got overhead.”
“Now that I think about it, I haven’t gotten a refi offer, or on-line dating solicitation e-mail in weeks”, reported Lucy Howard, from an internet cafe in Evansville, Illinois. “And only a handful of credit counseling and fat-burning pill offers.”
“I thought I’d finally gotten my spam filter dialed in”, Fort Worth high school basketball coach and biology teacher Phil Blount commented. “But they’re just sending less?”
“How about that”, he added, before walking away, almost forlornly.
“Every entrepreneur, even slime bags such as these, look at the bottom line”, said Brian Richardson, CEO of SpamNoMore, a spam-blocking software producer. “If people aren’t clicking on their e-mail offers, they’ll look for other ways to annoy the hell out of you.” Mr. Richardson then produced his phone, displaying ads for penny auctions and colon-cleansing remedies.
“But, you still need this spam-blocker software”, he quickly added, stuffing the phone back into his pocket. “Spam-Away II releases later this month, only $29.95.”
“Look, we know things are tough all over”, sLiThEr909 continued. “But don’t even try to tell me you don’t have a few bucks lying around for some fake Viagra or bogus work-from-home scam.”
“I’ve seen what you people drop on Yankees bling and Taylor Swift CDs.”
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